Hello out there to my fellow plus-sized lady-peeps!
I know last week you were probably pretty sad about this whole election thing. But it’s time to wipe away those tears because we’ve got work to do! Don’t worry! I’m not talking about dismantling the patriarchy! That sounds super hard! I mean, if us curvies can’t even get our chocolate cravings under control how can we be expected to tamp down thousands of years of sexism? LOLZ, AMIRITE?
We need to get ready for Trump Season!
Trump Season is kind of like bikini season, but if we fail to reach our goal weight we don’t just run the risk of being forced to wear a one-piece swimsuit with a little skirt on it. We run the risk of being kicked out of the country!
I know, I know, this sounds very dramatic. And, frankly, this wouldn’t be the first time this week I’ve been accused of being overly dramatic on the Internets.
After all, I’m pretty sure he hates us luscious large ladies the most! Not to brag or anything, America!
Now, I’m sure you’re all like, “Okay, he’s said some horrible things about overweight women. But, Sally, he’s said horrible things about pretty much every marginalized group on the planet! How could you possibly think he hates plump lady-people the most?”
I’m just going to use the same argument on you that all my Trump-supporting Facebook friends use on me when I say that Trump is a xenophobic, racist misogynist.
It goes something like this:
Trump can’t be anti-immigrant because he’s married to an immigrant. And he can’t be a racist because, you know, Omarosa. And he can’t be sexist because his campaign manager was a woman.
(Sound familiar? It’s the whole “I’m not racist because I had this one friend in high school who was black” argument. Which SO works every single time, you guys!)
But have you ever seen Trump hanging out with a woman above about a size 12? I mean, THINK ABOUT IT, LADIES. HAVE YOU???
You know that whole, “First they came for the socialists” quote people always drag out to talk about the Holocaust? I’m pretty sure this time around, it’s going to go, “First they came for the chubsters.”
So, let’s not let that happen to us, my fellow girls-of-girth! It’s time to shape up or ship out!
Like, literally, you guys.
They are going to ship us out of this country if we can’t all squeeze into a “one-size-fits-most” maxi-dress by January 20th. So, we need to get cracking!
Tip 1: More angry crying means more calories out!
You know that feeling you have had this past week every morning when you wake up? It feels like you fell asleep crying and then you woke up crying and you didn’t really stop crying even when you were asleep?
Guess what, folks! That is not a feeling! It is a reality! You did that!
The good news is that crying is like laughing — it burns a lot of calories. And since you probably won’t be laughing for at least the next four years, you have to burn those calories somehow!
Tip 2: Curb your food cravings by thinking about others.
Feeling kind of peckish? Would you like an afternoon snack? Well, minorities would like equal rights! So I guess none of us are going to get what we want!
Remember we’re all in this together! (And by “this” I mean “a dystopian young adult novel where tigers eat all the losers.”)
Tip 3: You say, “catcalling.” I say, “exercise motivation.”
Now that sexual harassment is basically considered presidential behavior, us ladies can probably expect a whole lot more of it — even us fatties! (Although when we don’t respond, they don’t just call us a bitch, they get creative and compare us to barn animals and add mooing sounds. So that’s fun for us!)
Sure, it can be hurtful to have to listen to men talk about you and your body in a way that is demeaning and disrespectful when all you’re trying to do is walk to work. But, you guys, their comments can actually be very motivational! When they yell out, “Shake it” and “I’d like to grab some of that,” they are just urging you to walk faster! A lot faster!
After all, you know what they say about moving targets — it’s really hard to grab their pussies!
Tip 4: Don’t just do it to stay in your country. Do it to stay in your pants.
You know how you feel super excited when you spot that one rack of plus-sized clothes at a non-plus-size store? Even though it’s all the way in the back of the store next to the emergency exit? And it appears to be full of nothing but polyester jungle-print tops and pants with pleats. But you’re like, “Wahoo! Look! I can actually buy clothes in the store rather than having to buy everything off the Internet like a prepper!”
Well, guess what, my bulky babes! You need to slim down now because there won’t be any plus-size racks in Trump’s America! I heard they’re all going to be melted down and re-purposed into building materials for the wall around Mexico.
Tip 5: Remember, change is good.
I’ve had plenty of people tell me this past week that they voted for Trump because they wanted change. They’ve told me reassuringly that “change is good” — apparently, so good that they’re willing to throw half the country under the bus and vote for a human garbage-fire for president.
And every time someone tells me, “change is good,” I want to be like, “Umm, PUH-LEASE. Don’t tell me ‘change is good.’ My people invented that phrase!”
I mean, who doesn’t know “change is good” more than a fat girl? We’ve been told our whole lives that we need to change. That we need to be smaller. That we need to take up less space. That we aren’t good enough the way we are.
We’ve gone on dangerous diets. We’ve exercised until we no longer have working cartilage in our knees. We’ve taken questionable pills and followed the advice of magazine writers who know about as much about the human body as Trump knows about foreign policy. We’ll do pretty much anything to change ourselves — even have functioning organs cut out of our bodies — because, you know, CHANGE IS GOOD, PEOPLE.
But, at least when we try to change ourselves, we only throw ourselves under the bus — not every single marginalized person in the country.
But, look on the bright side, my corpulent cohort! I hear being thrown under the bus burns a LOT of calories! And we’re going to need it if we all want to be Ivanka-sized by the inauguration!