5 Tips to Trim Down for Trump

November 17, 2016

5 tips to trim down for Trump / Unbrave Girl

Hello out there to my fellow plus-sized lady-peeps!

I know last week you were probably pretty sad about this whole election thing. But it’s time to wipe away those tears because we’ve got work to do! Don’t worry! I’m not talking about dismantling the patriarchy! That sounds super hard! I mean, if us curvies can’t even get our chocolate cravings under control how can we be expected to tamp down thousands of years of sexism? LOLZ, AMIRITE?

We need to get ready for Trump Season!

Trump Season is kind of like bikini season, but if we fail to reach our goal weight we don’t just run the risk of being forced to wear a one-piece swimsuit with a little skirt on it. We run the risk of being kicked out of the country!

I know, I know, this sounds very dramatic. And, frankly, this wouldn’t be the first time this week I’ve been accused of being overly dramatic on the Internets.

But hear me out. Trump has already promised to round up and kick out millions of Mexicans. He’s proposed a ban on Muslims. What makes you think he won’t do the same to fat chicks?

After all, I’m pretty sure he hates us luscious large ladies the most! Not to brag or anything, America!

Now, I’m sure you’re all like, “Okay, he’s said some horrible things about overweight women. But, Sally, he’s said horrible things about pretty much every marginalized group on the planet! How could you possibly think he hates plump lady-people the most?”

I’m just going to use the same argument on you that all my Trump-supporting Facebook friends use on me when I say that Trump is a xenophobic, racist misogynist.

It goes something like this:

Trump can’t be anti-immigrant because he’s married to an immigrant. And he can’t be a racist because, you know, Omarosa. And he can’t be sexist because his campaign manager was a woman.

(Sound familiar? It’s the whole “I’m not racist because I had this one friend in high school who was black” argument. Which SO works every single time, you guys!)

But have you ever seen Trump hanging out with a woman above about a size 12? I mean, THINK ABOUT IT, LADIES. HAVE YOU???

You know that whole, “First they came for the socialists” quote people always drag out to talk about the Holocaust? I’m pretty sure this time around, it’s going to go, “First they came for the chubsters.”

So, let’s not let that happen to us, my fellow girls-of-girth! It’s time to shape up or ship out!

Like, literally, you guys.

They are going to ship us out of this country if we can’t all squeeze into a “one-size-fits-most” maxi-dress by January 20th. So, we need to get cracking!

Tip 1: More angry crying means more calories out!

You know that feeling you have had this past week every morning when you wake up? It feels like you fell asleep crying and then you woke up crying and you didn’t really stop crying even when you were asleep?

Guess what, folks! That is not a feeling! It is a reality! You did that!

The good news is that crying is like laughing — it burns a lot of calories. And since you probably won’t be laughing for at least the next four years, you have to burn those calories somehow!

Tip 2: Curb your food cravings by thinking about others.

Feeling kind of peckish? Would you like an afternoon snack? Well, minorities would like equal rights! So I guess none of us are going to get what we want!

Remember we’re all in this together! (And by “this” I mean “a dystopian young adult novel where tigers eat all the losers.”)

Tip 3: You say, “catcalling.” I say, “exercise motivation.”

Now that sexual harassment is basically considered presidential behavior, us ladies can probably expect a whole lot more of it — even us fatties! (Although when we don’t respond, they don’t just call us a bitch, they get creative and compare us to barn animals and add mooing sounds. So that’s fun for us!)

Sure, it can be hurtful to have to listen to men talk about you and your body in a way that is demeaning and disrespectful when all you’re trying to do is walk to work. But, you guys, their comments can actually be very motivational! When they yell out, “Shake it” and “I’d like to grab some of that,” they are just urging you to walk faster! A lot faster!

After all, you know what they say about moving targets — it’s really hard to grab their pussies!

Tip 4: Don’t just do it to stay in your country. Do it to stay in your pants.

You know how you feel super excited when you spot that one rack of plus-sized clothes at a non-plus-size store? Even though it’s all the way in the back of the store next to the emergency exit? And it appears to be full of nothing but polyester jungle-print tops and pants with pleats. But you’re like, “Wahoo! Look! I can actually buy clothes in the store rather than having to buy everything off the Internet like a prepper!”

Well, guess what, my bulky babes! You need to slim down now because there won’t be any plus-size racks in Trump’s America! I heard they’re all going to be melted down and re-purposed into building materials for the wall around Mexico.

Tip 5: Remember, change is good.

I’ve had plenty of people tell me this past week that they voted for Trump because they wanted change. They’ve told me reassuringly that “change is good” — apparently, so good that they’re willing to throw half the country under the bus and vote for a human garbage-fire for president.

And every time someone tells me, “change is good,” I want to be like, “Umm, PUH-LEASE. Don’t tell me ‘change is good.’ My people invented that phrase!”

I mean, who doesn’t know “change is good” more than a fat girl? We’ve been told our whole lives that we need to change. That we need to be smaller. That we need to take up less space. That we aren’t good enough the way we are.

We’ve gone on dangerous diets. We’ve exercised until we no longer have working cartilage in our knees. We’ve taken questionable pills and followed the advice of magazine writers who know about as much about the human body as Trump knows about foreign policy. We’ll do pretty much anything to change ourselves — even have functioning organs cut out of our bodies — because, you know, CHANGE IS GOOD, PEOPLE.

But, at least when we try to change ourselves, we only throw ourselves under the bus — not every single marginalized person in the country.

But, look on the bright side, my corpulent cohort! I hear being thrown under the bus burns a LOT of calories! And we’re going to need it if we all want to be Ivanka-sized by the inauguration!

LOLZ, AMIRITE?

23

I've blathered on long enough! Now it's your turn!

  1. On November 17, 2016 at 10:27 am zoe said:

    This gave me exactly the cry-laugh I needed right now, thank you!
    zoe recently posted..I liveblogged my reaction to that article about fairy bread.

  2. On November 17, 2016 at 1:17 pm Sandra L. said:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sally.

    You are the best!

    By the way, if you have not read Jennifer Weiner’s “Hungry Heart,” get thyself to a bookstore and get a copy!!

    P.S. you’re not fat.

    • On December 11, 2016 at 1:53 pm Sally said:

      Well, thanks for saying that, Sandra, but I think my doctor would beg to differ! Plus, it’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I can use the word “fat” as a neutral descriptor (like brunette or tall) and not a negative thing. So I don’t really have a problem with the word or calling myself that.
      And thanks for the book rec. I LOVE Jennifer Weiner! I will have to put it on my to-read list!

  3. On November 17, 2016 at 1:29 pm Tiffany said:

    So glad to have you back, Sally! Frankly I’m so fed up with politics at the moment, but at least when I read your take on them, I’m laughing. Frankly, as a plus-sized 21 year old, I feel constantly watched wherever I go. And why is it that everytime I’m having one of those days where I’m craving the most, my coworkers bring in off-limits foods to work? Today was apple pie, and maple bars. O.o Help… Are you on Sparkpeople? It’s my new favorite website ever for food tracking, and weight loss support.

    • On December 11, 2016 at 1:51 pm Sally said:

      To be honest, I’ve had to stop dieting/food-tracking. I have a history of eating disorders, and dieting and/or restricting what foods I ate tended to bring out a lot of that obsessiveness in an unhealthy way. Now, I focus on trying to eat tons of healthy fruits & veggies & lean meats and eating the other stuff in moderation. I would like to lose some weight, but I don’t want to risk my mental health for it.
      Best of luck on your own journey!

  4. On November 17, 2016 at 1:42 pm Sharon said:

    Literal and hearty LOL, coming from a plus-sized 50 year old sitting outside the Traverse City public library front door on a 60 degree November 17, with hair that is multiple unnatural and vibrant colors (mostly people compliment me and say they wish they were this brave) along with some brightly colored patterned leggings (and a few other things.) Taken all together and for short: making an unrestrained and gleeful scene of my large self right out in public and loving every minute of it. Thank you!

  5. On November 17, 2016 at 3:56 pm Matthew A said:

    This!
    I actually lol’ed – thanks for the great posts
    Matthew A recently posted..Washington DC, Maryland and West Virginia

  6. On November 17, 2016 at 5:06 pm Leslie in Oregon said:

    Yes, crying/laughing is good…thank you, Sally! This is good for everyone, especially those of us trying to rev up and gird for battle!

  7. On November 17, 2016 at 9:33 pm Leah said:

    LOLZ! 😂😂😂

  8. On November 17, 2016 at 10:29 pm Dyanne Foskey said:

    Yes. You are right! Thanks for the chuckles.

  9. On November 19, 2016 at 2:43 am Colleen said:

    LOVE THIS!!!! You are the most brilliant and best. My muffin top and I thank you for keeping us safe!

  10. On November 19, 2016 at 1:31 pm Debby Sullivan said:

    Thanks Sally. I needed a laugh today!

  11. On December 1, 2016 at 11:06 am Dominique King said:

    I guess another piece of “evidence” that the Trumpies and Trumpetts are anti-porker is evident in a quick look at what Ivanka Trump’s company hawks online…I’m not seeing any “buy American” stuff here…her company’s offerings seem full of lovely handbags, F*Me pumps (which don’t look comfy for anyone to wear–let along the more “statuesque” gals among us) and over-priced but cheaply made imported goods. No, I wasn’t looking at the site to look for things I might want to wear…I thought to look because I was curious to know what someone with a father so concerned about US jobs might have on her site that was “made in America”. I found out the answer and started working on my own series of posts about things “made in the Midwest” for Christmas or holiday shopping.
    Dominique King recently posted..Back in the Saddle: A New Harley Dealer in Town

    • On December 11, 2016 at 1:40 pm Sally said:

      Yeah, I haven’t checked, but I doubt her clothing line offers much above a size 14. Also, I love the idea of a “made in the Midwest” series. That’s great! There are so many wonderful Midwestern companies and artisans which deserve our support…

  12. On January 31, 2017 at 11:13 am susan scott said:

    I came here via Ally Bean’s post and although your post is Nov last year it is still so relevant! I enjoyed this thank you – a smile to my dial 🙂

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