Hello out there to all my single lady gal-pals!
It’s holiday time, again!
And we all know what that means, right?
If you said, “Time for relaxing, spending time with family and loved ones and sharing gifts we’ve carefully selected for them,” then you are WRONG. And you obviously haven’t been watching all the same cheesy, made-for-TV, Christmas movies like I have!
Because the correct answer is: Finding a boyfriend as fast as humanly possible even if it means doing something potentially illegal! Because we all know showing up single to Christmas dinner and having to listen to your Great Aunt Nancy ask you why you never have a boyfriend is basically the worst thing ever — even worse than jail!
But, you’ll be happy to know that even though Christmas is only days away, you still have time to find yourself your very own Hallmark-channel-movie-worthy hunk!
In fact, you have a number of different options you can pursue to get a boyfriend before Old Saint Nick starts sidling his way down your chimney. Here are just a few of the many possible choices available to you:
Option 1: The Reverse “It’s a Wonderful Life”
Become a busy, big-city, career-lady. Work in some vague field like marketing or designer purse management. Wear power suits and high heels and march around your office barking orders at your personal assistant. Or maybe you are the personal assistant. It really doesn’t matter as long as you are super busy — so busy that you don’t even have time for breakfast, let alone love!
Hit your head while doing something busy and career-like. Did you know that busy career-ladies have a 75% higher chance of suffering concussions during the holiday season? It’s true!
Go into a comatose state.
Wake up in an alternative reality where you are no longer a busy, big-city, career-lady. Instead you are a happy family-lady living in a small town. Because we all know it’s impossible to be both a busy career-lady and a happy family-lady! You are now married to your college sweetheart with two adorable, curly-headed children.
When you wake up from your comatose state, instead of rushing to the hospital, you rush to find your college sweetheart who is miraculously not married or gay or an ex-con or any of the other things that college sweethearts usually end up being when you find them ten years later. Even more miraculous, he is still in love with you despite the fact that you sent him that envelope full of dead bees and your own pubic hair after he broke up with you on graduation night.
Get married and start working on popping out your adorable, curly-headed babies.
Option 2: The Surly Small Town Stranger
You are, again, a very busy, big-city, career-lady with no time for love. Yada, yada, yada.
Right before Christmas, you are sent to some small town to do some evil, busy, big-city, career-lady thing — like close down the town’s only bowling alley, buy up the locally owned lumberyard, or euthanize the town’s resident wild llama population.
Of course, the local townspeople are none too happy about your big-city, career-lady ways. They meet you with resistance. And pie! Because they may be pissed, but they are still good-natured, townsfolk who love their pie!
Leading the pack of unhappy, pie-wielding townsfolk is a surly but ruggedly handsome bowling alley manager/lumberjack/llama cowboy. Bonus points if he also happens to be a ghost (it happens).
Of course, you hate him at first. He is just SO FRUSTRATING. And he makes you stomp your high heels at least three times. But later your big-city, career-girl ice-heart starts to melt when you find out that he is widowed and that his wife died in a tragic jungle gym accident (it happens). Your ice-heart melts even more when you meet his adorable, curly-headed child. (They always have curly hair. Don’t ask me why. But as a curly-headed person, I have to agree that curly-haired people are especially adorable.)
When the surly but rugged widower rescues you from some near deadly accident possibly involving rabid llamas (it happens), you both realize that you are actually in love with each other. It just felt like hate for so long because what do you know about emotions, you big-city, career-lady?
You ditch your big-city career and your high heels, move to the small town, get married, wear sensible moccasins, and make lots of pies.
Option 3: Definitely your most illegal option. But, hey, at least you’ll get a boyfriend out of the deal!
Again, you are a big-city career-lady. Because this is really the only reason why a woman wouldn’t already be married at the ripe old age of twenty-eight. Obviously, careers make ladies into evil, emotionless, power-suit-wearing scarecrows. I mean, do you even have a heart in your chest or was it replaced by a Kate Spade clutch purse years ago?
You get a call from your mother/sister/best friend/ghost of your grand-meemaw begging you to come home for Christmas — even though you usually spend Christmas doing work because big-city careers don’t stop for Christmas!
You agree to come home, but realize shortly after hanging up the phone that you can’t go home without a boyfriend! What were you even thinking? Sure, you can graduate from some fancy Ivy League school and head up a major multinational marketing firm, but you just can’t deal with your pesky Great Aunt Nancy bringing up the whole boyfriend thing over Christmas ham again. You just CANNOT.
That’s when you decide to do what big-city career-types do when they want something done: you outsource! Yep, you hire some man to be your boyfriend. Or you kidnap him. Either way, really.
Of course, this would be super creepy and most likely illegal if you did this at any other time of the year. But since it’s happening over Christmas, that makes it romantic.
Things start off a little rocky in the beginning. Either the man you hired can’t remember the carefully detailed personae you have created for him and keeps on flubbing up and telling your parents the truth about himself (uggh!) or his wrists start to chafe from the handcuffs.
But, by the end of your trip home with your hired/handcuffed hunk of man, he’s fallen in love with you and you’ve fallen in love with him and now you have a funny story to tell the grandkids one day about how grandma handcuffed grandpa to the radiator and forced him to pretend to be in a relationship with her for three days. Hahahaha! What a hoot!
Option 4: So crazy it just might work.
You are a busy career-lady, but you also have a reasonable work-life balance. You have hobbies and friends and a pet and family that you visit on a fairly regular basis. You take vacations and go away on weekends and don’t have a problem leaving work in the office. You meet a nice guy at work or through friends or on the Internet or….
WAIT. HOLD UP, RIGHT THERE.
This is the most ridiculous story-line ever and would never happen. Forget it. This is totally not an option.
Option 5: The Cold-Hearted, Big-City Billionaire (and, surprise, for once, it’s not you!)
This time, you are NOT a busy big-city, career-lady! Instead you are a small-town cookie-baker/wreath-maker/guinea pig wrangler. You own a small but successful cookie bakery/wreath market/guinea pig farm. (I know! How original! Where do they even come up with this stuff?)
And then a big-city, career-type, billionaire-guy shows up in town and threatens to close your cookie bakery down/buy up your wreath market/euthanize all your guinea pigs. (Wait. This is starting to sound somewhat familiar.)
Of course, you hate him at first. He is just SO FRUSTRATING. And he makes you stomp your sensible moccasins at least three times. (Again. This is all starting to feel really repetitive. Like, are there really no other possible plot-lines?)
But your feelings for him start to change when you suffer from a concussion or he pays you a lot of money to be his fake-girlfriend or you find out he’s a ghost with two beautiful curly-headed ghost-children or… ummm… something with pies? I really don’t know anymore.
But I do know that you have SO MANY OPTIONS for finding yourself a suitable man-friend before Christmas! So you better get cracking! I heard your Great Aunt Nancy is coming over for Christmas Eve.
Do you watch cheesy Christmas made-for-TV movies? What’s your favorite most predictable plot-line? Please tell me I’m not alone in my ridiculous addictions.