1. Howdy, folks! How’s your weekend been?
I’ll be spending today grading papers (ugggghhhh), but yesterday I had a great day, poking around old buildings while on the Hidden Kalamazoo tour.
The tour happens once a year, and gives you a “behind the scenes” look at a handful of historic buildings in town. While a number of the sites on the tour have been kept in good condition or have been restored to their former glory, I kind of preferred the sites where everything was all old and crumbly and unrenovated.
Just makes you feel like you’re living life on the edge, you know?
2. So, you know, last week, when I told you all about my big trip to the Upper Peninsula in July and how I’m probably going to be eaten alive by BEARS?
Well, I did a little research.
From the twenty whole minutes I spent on the Google, I discovered that U.P. has black bears. Luckily, black bears are considerably smaller than other bears, like Grizzlies. In fact, I was kind of relieved to note that I weigh more than your average female black bear. I was even kind of patting myself on the back for not caving to societal pressures to starve myself to death because, hey, who cares if I don’t have a thigh gap, I CAN OUTWEIGH A MOTHER-FREAKING BEAR.
And then I remembered bears have really sharp claws and teeth and I don’t have those things. Instead, I have stubby little fingernails and crumbly teeth thanks to my little habit of nighttime teeth grinding. You guys, I can hardly get through a bowl of Kashii Go Lean Crunch without breaking off half of my teeth. How the heck am I going to go tooth and nail with a bear?
I also remembered that there isn’t some rule that only girl-bears attack girl-people. This isn’t the Girl Scouts or one of those preppy all-female high schools where the girls wear cute plaid skirts.
This is THE FREAKING WILDERNESS.
I could just as likely be attacked by a boy-bear, and it turns out that boy-bears weigh a whole lot more than girl-bears. And they also happen to weight a whole lot more than me.
So, either I’m really going to have to bulk up in the next two weeks, or I’m going to need to stock up on lots of bear spray.
And don’t tell me that bear spray doesn’t work. Because, LALALALALALA, I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
3. Other things I never thought I’d buy, but I’ll be buying in preparation for my trip: this mesh bug jacket.
That’s going to make for some super fine selfies, let me tell you.
4. Hey, hey, happy Father’s Day to all you dads, step-dads, would-be dads and stand-in dads out there!
Especially to my dad, who can fix anything with duct tape, rock Gold Toe socks with shorts like he means it, and tell a mean dad joke.
And for those of you needing a few dad jokes today, here are some great ones.
5. So, a few weeks back, I was listening to the TED podcast on a road trip because I’m the kind of dork who listens to TED podcasts on road trips. And they were interviewing this guy who had researched the communities where people live the longest and he had discovered that people who live really long lives eat a lot of beans.
And they walk regularly. And have a good social network. And live in cultures that respect the elderly.
But, the big take-away for me was MUST EAT MORE BEANS.
So, since then I’ve been kind of obsessed with putting beans in ALL THE FOODS. I made this potato, white bean and kale soup last week. And today, I have plans to make this lentil and sweet potato curry.
This new ALL BEANS ALL THE TIME diet plan is not without its, ummm, shallwesay, consequences.
But, hey, so what if no one can stand next to me in an elevator??? I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER!!!
6. Speaking of diets that are not without consequences, this is what happens when a man eats nothing but lady-food for two weeks.
Basically, he starves and hates himself.
7. While I’m confessing that I listen to dorky things: Did you hear the interview with Kim Kardashian on Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me the other week?
I have to admit that I found her surprisingly charming.
I guess I was alone because my fellow other listeners-of-dorky-things revolted. And revolted HARD.
8. We all have that vague friend on Facebook, right?
The one who has something REALLY, SUPER BIG AND LIFE-CHANGING AND OMG GOING ON RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN’T TELL YOU, BUT PLEASE SEND GOOD THOUGHTS/PRAYERS/VIBES/PRIVATE MESSAGES ASKING ME WHAT IS UP.
9. Other things we all have to deal with: that conversation at a party that you’d like to end now but don’t know how to.
Well, may I suggest, this conversation resignation letter.
10. Excuse me, but can I get a goat for my cat, pleeeeeeaaaaseee?
Okay, friends, I’ve got to go grade papers (uggggghhhh), but have a great rest of the weekend. Have any fun links/bean recipes/dorky things you listen to that I need to listen to right now? Please share!