Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!
Despite having been single since dinosaurs went extinct, I actually kind of like Valentine’s Day. Probably because I look cute in red and because Valentine’s Day means Reese’s cup hearts, which are my third favorite holiday-shaped Reese’s cups after the pumpkins for Halloween and the Easter eggs. It’s important to rank these things, you guys.
So, in honor of the day, I’ve decided to devote this week’s Random Stuff List to all things pink and heart-shaped.
1. I woke up early this morning (because cat) and decided I needed to make myself bacon hearts (because bacon).
How cute are these?
Okay, so maybe it doesn’t look exactly like a heart. It looks more like a bacon blob. But a TOTALLY ADORABLE BACON BLOB, AMIRITE?
I think this was my first time cooking bacon in the oven, and I’m a total convert now. Not only does it mean not being sprayed with hot bacon grease every two seconds, but it also solves the big problem I have when making bacon. Namely, I only own one skillet, so I always have to make the bacon first before I make whatever else I’m eating with the bacon, and then the bacon is cold by the time I eat it, AND OMIGOD WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARRRRDDDD???
2. This week I went to a Valentine’s Day themed wine tasting with a coworker and a bunch of her lady-friends.
We ate a whole bunch of fancy-pants food and drank fancy-pants wine and we forced at least two ladies at the table to sign up for Instagram. Which meant I had to try to explain what a hashtag was while getting tipsy on a pink moscato called Cupid’s Kiss. This is not an easy thing to do, friends.
3. Speaking of hashtags, I think I just invented the hashtag #mysolovalentine
Let’s all use it today, okay?
Unless, you know, you’re not solo because that would be weird.
4. Last year, I spent Valentine’s Day by myself at the local skating rink, watching a Valentine’s Day hockey game. BECAUSE THAT IS A THING THAT EXISTS! You guys, even the ice was pink and had little red hearts!
It was super awesome, until the guy next to me leaned over and asked me why I was alone, and then it became awkward, so I drank more beer, and then it became awesome again.
This year, I’m heading back to the ice rink for the USA Curling Nationals and my very own curling lesson! I’m super excited, and I really hope the ice is pink again.
I’ve also been preparing myself with possible responses should anyone ask me why I’m alone again. I’ve narrowed my responses down to the following three:
a) My husband died in a curling accident five years ago, so I’ve spent every Valentine’s Day since then attending curling events to honor him and/or avenge his death.
b) Why am I alone? That’s an interesting question. Here’s another interesting question for you: Why are you not alone? Has anyone ever asked you that? No? Probably because that would be weird and awkward and not socially acceptable to ask someone why they’ve attended an event with someone. So why is it socially acceptable to ask someone why they’ve attended an event without someone? Huh?
c) I’m alone? Your MOM’s alone!
I’m kind of partial to that last one.
5. If you’re single and your Valentine’s Day plans include eating out by yourself, may I suggest checking out Candice’s honest guide to eating alone?
(And, if you missed it, you should check out my guide on eating out by yourself LIKE A BOSS.)
Reader’s Digest version: just act like you’re a high-powered-executive/top-CIA-operative, and you’ll be awesome.
6. Speaking of eating out alone, one fun thing I like to do when I go to restaurants by myself is eavesdrop on other people’s conversations. Because, seriously, if you’re going to have a conversation in public about your atrocious sister-in-law and her bad taste in pants, then, yes, I’m going to listen.
In December when I was in Detroit, I ate breakfast at this diner, where I overheard the woman next to me tell her boyfriend that he shouldn’t bring his leftover red velvet pancakes home with him. I remember really wanting to lean over and say, “Uh, you’re going to need to dump her RIGHT NOW.”
And that’s the story I tell myself every time I feel a bit down about being single forever and ever. Because, honestly, there’s a lot of worse things than being single. Like, say, being in a relationship with someone who tells you you can’t bring your leftover pancakes home.
7. Speaking of relationships I’m happy I’m not in: My sister sent me a link to this article about why Ben and Jerry’s think it’s awesome that I’m single because basically it means I can eat my ice cream with a spatula and nobody’s going to judge me.
The article is cute, but at the same time I have to think that if being in a relationship means I can’t eat ice cream with a spatula, then what’s the point of even being in a relationship?
I mean, GAH, what kind of life is that?
8. Speaking of links people send me, I’ve probably had at least twenty-jillion people send me this article about cat wine.
Because, apparently, I’m the first person everyone thinks of when they see an article about drinking alone and cats.
I can’t say I’m not proud of that fact.
9. I wrote this post two years ago for Valentine’s Day. It’s all about how much I want to stab people in the throat when they tell me I’ll find someone when I’m not looking and about all the people I have met when I wasn’t looking.
I still feel exactly the same way.
Especially about the throat-stabbing thing.
10. Umm, so apparently there is this company that will sell you an invisible boyfriend or girlfriend for $25.
Is it just me or does that seem a bit steep?
I mean, I’ve had an imaginary boyfriend for YEARS and he hasn’t cost me a single dime. (Except when he tells me to buy myself nice things because I’m worth it.)
11. Speaking of imaginary boyfriends, I’ve decided I’d like to make all these hot dudes reading books on trains my imaginary boyfriends.
Because, you know, that’s the great thing about imaginary boyfriends — you can have more than one and nobody gets jealous!
Except for maybe imaginary-ex-girlfriend-of-imaginary-boyfriend. But, whatever. She’s the jealous type.
She’s also totally the type who tells her boyfriend that he can’t take his pancake leftovers home with him. It’s a good thing he dumped her when he had the chance!
12. Fess up, people. Who’s going to see 50 Shades of Grey this weekend?
I read the first book when it came out because I’m the kind of person that wants to know what everybody’s talking about and why they’re talking about it. (That was my real reason. FOR HONEST.)
I started reading the second book, but promptly gave up because there’s really only so much horrible writing I’m willing to get through to be up-and-up on my pop culture. (If you haven’t read the book, I suggest you just check out this page of cringe-worthy quotes from the book or these beautifully illustrated versions of equally horrendous quotes from the book. It’s basically the same thing as reading the book. Except with slightly fewer mentions of the main character’s inner goddess.)
I’m also really tempted to go see the movie if only so, again, I can know what everyone’s talking about. (SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS. THIS IS MY REAL REASON.)
13. Speaking of books I’m slightly ashamed of having read all the way through, I finished the bear-shifter romance novel I told you guys about.
And I have to say I was kind of disappointed. Not because it was bad. But because it really wasn’t all that bad. I mean it wasn’t good. But it wasn’t, like, bad-bad.
Although there were a few select quotes that I’d like to share with you:
This from the heroine, a spunky, plus-sized accountant, after she finds out the man she’s been shacking up with happens to be a bear: “‘Didn’t you think I’d want to know you were a bear before I started dating you?'”
And this from the tech mogul/billionaire/bear she’s been shacking up with: “‘I’m never going to change my mind because my bear has never felt like this. And the human in me sees even more than my bear does.'”
Okay, so maybe it was kind of bad-bad.
14. So… ummm… I really have nothing else to say for this last point, I just really wanted to have a 14th point. You know, it being February 14th and all.
Consider this my Valentine’s Day gift to you!
(I’m sure you probably would have preferred chocolate. Trust me, me too.)
How are you spending your Valentine’s Day?