Like when something mildly interesting (or not even interesting at all) happens and a friend or family member’s first reaction is to say, “You should blog about that.”
Or when all I want to do is watch bad reality television shows, but I feel guilty because it’s been over a week since I wrote a blog post, and I should really write a blog post already. (So, about last week and my lack of blog post? It’s totally “I Wanna Marry ‘Harry'”s fault, okay?)
Or when I use my blog to tell the entire Internet that I’m totally going to do something, and then people are all like, “So, did you do that something yet?”, and I’m like “Gah! Stupid me and my stupid blog! Why can’t I just write down my to-do list on a post-it note like the rest of the world!”This last one happens on a fairly regular basis because I have a fairly regular habit of telling everyone on the Internet that I’m going to do a whole bunch of things.
Like, say, that time about a month ago that I wrote that big, huge Summer Bucket List of all the things I am totally going to do this summer.
And, well, to be honest, I have not exactly been doing a very good job of ticking things off my list.
I went to the Asparagus Festival, which is technically only one-fifth of a thing, as my goal is to go to five festivals this summer.
And I went to a baseball game, but I’m not sure if that counts because I didn’t really watch any baseball since I was too busy scoring free beer and then Instagramming photos of my free beer.But then this past week I managed to knock one of the biggies off my list.
I made a pie for the first time in my life.
And then, a couple days later, I made another pie.
Because I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE, YOU GUYS.
(Also, I’m pretty sure this means I’m off the hook for all the other stuff on my list, right? RIGHT???)
I’m sure you’re wondering how a girl goes from totally never having made a pie in her life to making two pies in one week, so I came up with this handy dandy guide.
How to Make a Pie Because You Told All the Internet You’d Make a PieStep 1: Decide you’re going to make a pie.
Read a few recipes.
Decide that it all sounds like a bit too much for you right now.
After all, you’ve got a LOT going on at the moment. Like the new season of The Bachelorette, your cat and naps.
Yes, you are WAY too busy to even think about making a pie.Step 2: Wait two weeks.
Watch more reality television.Step 3: Watch an episode of MasterChef where all the contestants make a blueberry pie.
Half the contestants claim they’ve never made a pie in their life. The other half claim they’ve never even eaten pie. Somehow they all manage to produce a pie.
Decide you can do this thing. I mean, at least you can use a recipe and you don’t have Gordon Ramsey yelling at you, right?Step 4: Buy a pie pan.
This increases your pan-ownership to five whole pans.
Watch out, kitchen cabinets, things about to get crowded up in here.Step 5: Debate about whether you should buy a rolling pin or not.
You’re not sure if you’ll even use a rolling pin after this whole pie-making adventure, and you don’t have a lot of room in your tiny kitchen for useless utensils.
Besides, you’ve heard you can use a wine bottle as a rolling pin. But then what if you break the wine bottle? That sounds like a really big waste of wine.Step 6: Buy the rolling pin.
After all, who cares if you have another useless utensil in your cupboard?
But a broken bottle of wine?
That’s a true tragedy.Step 7: Buy some ingredients.
You can’t quite remember the recipe you read two weeks ago.
You do vaguely remember something about buttermilk.
Fill the rest of your cart up with berries and fruit. You can’t really go wrong with berries and fruit.Step 8: Go home.
Pile all the ingredients on to your very small kitchen counter.
Pour yourself a glass of wine because you’re about to do this thing.Step 9: Follow all these steps to make your dough.
There are approximately fifty kabillion steps.
After each of the fifty kabillion steps, you have to chill the dough because apparently pie crust gets really cranky at room temperature.
This may be a problem for those of you who have very small fridges and have just gone grocery shopping.
This may result in you pulling a large, plastic bin of salad out of the fridge, putting it on the stove, and then accidentally burning it when you leave it there while the oven is preheating.
This means you are the first person in history to burn salad while making a pie.
You are very special.Step 10: Find a workspace where you can roll out the dough.
This may require you moving all the stuff off the dining room table that you have never once used for dining.
Your cat will probably start yowling at you because she has decided this table is HERS. Along with pretty much everything else in your apartment.Step 11: You will need to follow these steps to make the filling.
Well, you should probably follow those steps.
I didn’t quite have all the recommended ingredients, so I improvised.
I replaced blackberries with strawberries and the graham cracker crumbs with nothing because, seriously, who just has graham cracker crumbs sitting around?Step 12: Pour the filling in the crust.
Try not to stick your face in there. It will be hard as it will smell like sugar and berries and sunshine.Step 13. Cover it all up with another crust.
Marvel over the fact that it actually looks like a pie.
Pour yourself another glass of wine.Step 14: Put it in the oven.
The pie, that is.
Not the wine.Step 15: Finish watching that episode of The Bachelorette.
The pie should be done after the eleventy-jillionth time someone mentions being in the show for the “right reasons” and before the rose ceremony.
More or less.Step 16: Take the pie out of the oven.
Freak out because HOLY SCHNIKEYS, YOU GUYS, YOU JUST MADE A PIE.
WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY?Step 17: Wait at least thirty minutes for it to cool before you start eating it.
I know that sounds ridiculous. But your pie will taste much better if the roof of your mouth isn’t all burnt off.
Trust me.Step 18: Eat your pie.
Be completely and utterly amazed because, GUYS, IT TASTES LIKE PIE AND EVERYTHING.Step 19: Celebrate.
And by “celebrate” I mean “pour yourself some more wine and watch some more bad reality television.”
What did you think I meant?Step 20: Realize that you have just enough ingredients to make one more pie.
Make another pie to share with other people.
Because apparently you are not only the type of person who makes pie, you are also the type of person who shares pie.
WHO ARE YOU?Have you ever made a pie from scratch before? Have any tips or good recipes to share? I may actually make another one. Now that I have a rolling pin and stuff.