How to Make a Pie Because You Told All the Internet You’d Make a Pie

June 29, 2014

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Every once in a while I regret having a blog.

Like when something mildly interesting (or not even interesting at all) happens and a friend or family member’s first reaction is to say, “You should blog about that.”

Or when all I want to do is watch bad reality television shows, but I feel guilty because it’s been over a week since I wrote a blog post, and I should really write a blog post already. (So, about last week and my lack of blog post? It’s totally “I Wanna Marry ‘Harry'”s fault, okay?)

Or when I use my blog to tell the entire Internet that I’m totally going to do something, and then people are all like, “So, did you do that something yet?”, and I’m like “Gah! Stupid me and my stupid blog! Why can’t I just write down my to-do list on a post-it note like the rest of the world!”

This last one happens on a fairly regular basis because I have a fairly regular habit of telling everyone on the Internet that I’m going to do a whole bunch of things.

Like, say, that time about a month ago that I wrote that big, huge Summer Bucket List of all the things I am totally going to do this summer.

And, well, to be honest, I have not exactly been doing a very good job of ticking things off my list.

I went to the Asparagus Festival, which is technically only one-fifth of a thing, as my goal is to go to five festivals this summer.

Spears to you, Asparagus Festival, spears to you!

Spears to you, Asparagus Festival, spears to you!

And I went to a baseball game, but I’m not sure if that counts because I didn’t really watch any baseball since I was too busy scoring free beer and then Instagramming photos of my free beer.

Free beer! And baseball! Although, who cares about that because FREE BEER!

Free beer! And baseball! Although, who cares about baseball because FREE BEER!

But then this past week I managed to knock one of the biggies off my list.

I made a pie for the first time in my life.

And then, a couple days later, I made another pie.

Because I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE, YOU GUYS.

(Also, I’m pretty sure this means I’m off the hook for all the other stuff on my list, right? RIGHT???)

I’m sure you’re wondering how a girl goes from totally never having made a pie in her life to making two pies in one week, so I came up with this handy dandy guide.

You’re welcome.

How to Make a Pie Because You Told All the Internet You’d Make a Pie
Step 1: Decide you’re going to make a pie.

Read a few recipes.

Decide that it all sounds like a bit too much for you right now.

After all, you’ve got a LOT going on at the moment. Like the new season of The Bachelorette, your cat and naps.

Yes, you are WAY too busy to even think about making a pie.

Step 2: Wait two weeks.

Watch more reality television.

Step 3: Watch an episode of MasterChef where all the contestants make a blueberry pie.

Half the contestants claim they’ve never made a pie in their life. The other half claim they’ve never even eaten pie. Somehow they all manage to produce a pie.

Decide you can do this thing. I mean, at least you can use a recipe and you don’t have Gordon Ramsey yelling at you, right?

Step 4: Buy a pie pan.

This increases your pan-ownership to five whole pans.

Whoa.

Watch out, kitchen cabinets, things about to get crowded up in here.

Step 5: Debate about whether you should buy a rolling pin or not.

You’re not sure if you’ll even use a rolling pin after this whole pie-making adventure, and you don’t have a lot of room in your tiny kitchen for useless utensils.

Besides, you’ve heard you can use a wine bottle as a rolling pin. But then what if you break the wine bottle? That sounds  like a really big waste of wine.

Step 6: Buy the rolling pin.

After all, who cares if you have another useless utensil in your cupboard?

But a broken bottle of wine?

That’s a true tragedy.

Step 7: Buy some ingredients.

You can’t quite remember the recipe you read two weeks ago.

You do vaguely remember something about buttermilk.

Ooo, cultured! Just like me!

Ooo, cultured! Just like me!

Fill the rest of your cart up with berries and fruit. You can’t really go wrong with berries and fruit.

Step 8: Go home.

Pile all the ingredients on to your very small kitchen counter.

Pour yourself a glass of wine because you’re about to do this thing.

Step 9: Follow all these steps to make your dough.

There are approximately fifty kabillion steps.

Good luck.

Step one: butter. Lots of butter. Also wine.

Step one: butter. Lots of butter. Also wine.

After each of the fifty kabillion steps, you have to chill the dough because apparently pie crust gets really cranky at room temperature.

This may be a problem for those of you who have very small fridges and have just gone grocery shopping.

This may result in you pulling a large, plastic bin of salad out of the fridge, putting it on the stove, and then accidentally burning it when you leave it there while the oven is preheating.

This means you are the first person in history to burn salad while making a pie.

Congratulations.

You are very special.

Step 10: Find a workspace where you can roll out the dough.

This may require you moving all the stuff off the dining room table that you have never once used for dining.

Rolling the dough.

Rolling the dough.

Your cat will probably start yowling at you because she has decided this table is HERS. Along with pretty much everything else in your apartment.

Step 11: You will need to follow these steps to make the filling.

Well, you should probably follow those steps.

I didn’t quite have all the recommended ingredients, so I improvised.

I replaced blackberries with strawberries and the graham cracker crumbs with nothing because, seriously, who just has graham cracker crumbs sitting around?

Step 12: Pour the filling in the crust.

Try not to stick your face in there. It will be hard as it will smell like sugar and berries and sunshine.

DSC00494

Look! Pie!

Step 13. Cover it all up with another crust.

Marvel over the fact that it actually looks like a pie.

Look! Pie!

Look! Pie!

Pour yourself another glass of wine.

Step 14: Put it in the oven.

The pie, that is.

Not the wine.

Step 15: Finish watching that episode of The Bachelorette.

The pie should be done after the eleventy-jillionth time someone mentions being in the show for the “right reasons” and before the rose ceremony.

More or less.

Step 16: Take the pie out of the oven.

Freak out because HOLY SCHNIKEYS, YOU GUYS, YOU JUST MADE A PIE.

A PIE!

WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY?

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Look! Pie!

Step 17: Wait at least thirty minutes for it to cool before you start eating it.

I know that sounds ridiculous. But your pie will taste much better if the roof of your mouth isn’t all burnt off.

Trust me.

Step 18: Eat your pie.

Be completely and utterly amazed because, GUYS, IT TASTES LIKE PIE AND EVERYTHING.

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Look! Pie!

Step 19: Celebrate.

And by “celebrate” I mean “pour yourself some more wine and watch some more bad reality television.”

What did you think I meant?

Step 20: Realize that you have just enough ingredients to make one more pie.

Make another pie to share with other people.

Because apparently you are not only the type of person who makes pie, you are also the type of person who shares pie.

I KNOW.

WHO ARE YOU?

 
Have you ever made a pie from scratch before? Have any tips or good recipes to share? I may actually make another one. Now that I have a rolling pin and stuff.
46

I've blathered on long enough! Now it's your turn!

  1. On June 29, 2014 at 3:42 pm Carmel said:

    Yeah, you should have gone with the vodka crust. Waaaay easier.
    Carmel recently posted..ON BEING MALL RATS AND IT’S ONLY FAREWELL FOR NOW

    • On June 29, 2014 at 9:35 pm Sally said:

      I know, but then I would have started drinking vodka while making the crust… and it was hard enough to keep up with all the steps while drinking wine!

  2. On June 29, 2014 at 4:48 pm Christy@SweetandSavoring said:

    Well done! I…have never made a pie. I made a no-bake cheesecake last year, with a storebought crust. Oh my god, all the steps to make crust! I just didn’t have it in me. But yours looks fantastic!
    Christy@SweetandSavoring recently posted..Sunday Travel: Signs and Stickers of Burlington

  3. On June 29, 2014 at 6:00 pm Candice said:

    My favourite steps are #8 and #19, which are, coincidentally enough, wine related. Because why WOULDN’T you drink wine while making pie?

  4. On June 29, 2014 at 8:11 pm janice said:

    I have never made pie either! I’m intimidated by pie crust. But your post has just given me an excuse to buy lots of wine in the spirit of rolling pins and pie-making.
    janice recently posted..My Thinking Room

    • On June 29, 2014 at 9:34 pm Sally said:

      Maybe this is the wine talking but it really wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. The hardest part, really, was finding enough room in my fridge for it to chill between steps… well, that and waiting 30 minutes for it too cool before I could eat it.

  5. On June 30, 2014 at 4:54 am Amanda said:

    I’ve never made pie with so much crust!! Am I weird or is it a Swedish thing?

    I usually make an apple or rhuburb pie. It’s really easy and you can’t fail.
    Here’s the recipe for you.
    Cut random amout of apples or rhuburb and put in a plastic bag with cinnamon and sugar.
    Shake the plastic bag.
    Mix butter, sugar and flour in a bowl. Use lots of butter.
    Put the fruit in whatever you can put in the oven, and then the butter-sugar-flour mix over it.
    Put the pie in the oven, it takes about 20 min.
    EAT IT WITH ICECREAM!! Yum!

  6. On June 30, 2014 at 5:56 am Kim said:

    LOVE pie! Make at least two a month. Let me share a secret- in addition to drinking wine while crafting pie (it IS an art) I always share some booze with the pie being created; selfish is not nice. Peach schnapps or peach vodka in peach pie, Applejack in apple, rum or bourbon in pecan pie. You get the idea. Of course, I simply must have a bit of the spirit being added, cuz I’m all about the QC!

    • On June 30, 2014 at 8:26 pm Sally said:

      That sounds like a fantastic idea. Although I’m afraid I’d pass out on my couch before I finished pie-making. Despite being a regular drinker, I’m something of a lightweight… especially when real booze is involved.

  7. On June 30, 2014 at 9:19 am Hata Trbonja said:

    I totally have a taste for pie now!
    And to eat it all by my one-sy.
    PS: I nominate you for the Liebster blog award.
    Love you and your blog.
    Hugs,
    Hata
    Hata Trbonja recently posted..Blog Award!

  8. On June 30, 2014 at 10:09 am Tom @ Waegook Tom said:

    I’m missing a kitchen and a stove, so I don’t think I can do any of the steps. Can you make another pie and send me one?
    Tom @ Waegook Tom recently posted..On Pulling Myself Out Of A Rut

  9. On June 30, 2014 at 11:24 am Gaye @ Pinay Travel Junkie said:

    “Half the contestants claim they’ve never made a pie in their life. The other half claim they’ve never even eaten pie. Somehow they all manage to produce a pie.” – BAHAHAHA! This is soooo true!
    Gaye @ Pinay Travel Junkie recently posted..2014 Thus Far: The Second Quarter

    • On June 30, 2014 at 8:23 pm Sally said:

      I know, right? I’m like how could you possibly even figure out on your own how to make a pie crust if you’ve never made one before? Are they crazy mind-readers or something?

  10. On June 30, 2014 at 11:37 am Steph | A Nerd At Large said:

    Eleventy-jillion is my new favourite number.

    I once won first place at the fair for making pie, which is remarkable because I don’t really know how to make pie. I asked my Mom how she makes pie and she told me to follow the instructions on the Stokely’s pumpkin can so that’s what I did. Does that make me an “award-winning chef???”
    Steph | A Nerd At Large recently posted..Foto Friday: Stamps

  11. On June 30, 2014 at 2:40 pm becky hutner said:

    well done, sally! since you’re all into pies now, i thought i’d recommend the “pie a day” project, started by a local food personality here in LA. it has a zillion recipes to choose from like cider-roasted apple pie with cheddar crust (!), BUTTER PIE and many, many more.

    happy baking!

    http://blogs.kcrw.com/goodfood/tag/pie-a-day/
    becky hutner recently posted..Fashion ‘Round the World: What people wore in Spring ’14

  12. On June 30, 2014 at 6:53 pm Suzanne said:

    I’m warning you…weight may magically start to appear around your thighs and midsection due to your new-found magic pie making abilities.

    Be prepared to pay the price to the Pie Fairy. Give up all your regular size clothes now and give them to your cats. You won’t need them anymore with your new skills. Soon it’ll just be you, rolling around 20 lbs of chilled butter, covered in flour squishing some errant berries between your toes.

    I’ve been there.

    Godspeed and good luck.

    bisous
    Suzanne
    Suzanne recently posted..Bloggers…Don’t Give It Away For Free! – Value Yourself

    • On June 30, 2014 at 8:19 pm Sally said:

      No worries. It’s summer which means I’ve switched to maxi skirts and yoga pants pretty much 24-7 to help accommodate my diet of beer and ice cream. What’s a little pie?

  13. On June 30, 2014 at 11:00 pm Priya said:

    I’d eat your pie. (That sounds dirty. It wasn’t meant to sound dirty.)
    Priya recently posted..Priya’s Cookin’: Pasta (The Backpacker Specialty)

  14. On July 1, 2014 at 12:35 pm Daina said:

    Congrats! It looks absolutely delicious!!! And – really – there are few things in life that are better than freshly baked pie. 🙂
    Daina recently posted..Local Nature & Finnish Design: Weekend Outings

  15. On July 2, 2014 at 6:52 am Anwesha said:

    Why do I have the feeling that the first person in history to burn salad while making a pie is you?:)
    Also it seems you watch Masterchef US.The Australian version is so much better.

    • On July 4, 2014 at 7:11 am Sally said:

      I’m not particularly picky about my reality TV. I like them all! Plus, I’m restricted by what’s on offer by Hulu — and they only have the American version.

  16. On July 3, 2014 at 8:12 am Angie said:

    I’m proud of you, for trying and succeeding! And for burning a salad, because that requires special skills.

  17. On July 13, 2014 at 1:21 am Janice said:

    I love the fact that you burnt a salad making pie. It seems like a noble sacrifice for the salad to make. It was for a worthy cause.
    Janice recently posted..Adventures in Trippin’…

  18. On July 14, 2014 at 12:35 pm Sabina said:

    The Bachelorette is an important ingredient in my pie-making adventures as well. The show, that is – not the person. That’d be illegal and probably wouldn’t make for a very good pie. It also wouldn’t make for a very good reality TV, I think. I’m not sure about the latter though, people will watch anything these days. Like, you know, The Bachelorette which I totally love and cannot wait to watch, now that you’ve reminded me of it. I miss Andi.
    Sabina recently posted..Delicious Guide to Santorini Food

    • On July 14, 2014 at 6:58 pm Sally said:

      I’m about a week behind on the Bachelorette because I don’t have TV, so I watch everything on Hulu. It’s really hard to avoid all the headlines on the tabloids and websites, telling me who she’s picked and hasn’t picked. Life is hard. Also, I think the Bachelorette could totally use some pie!

  19. On March 2, 2015 at 1:51 am Ceri said:

    Okay, I have to ask – Are savoury pies eaten in America at all? Because I feel like you guys have the sweet pies covered and us Brits have the savoury ones covered and that we should get together and make a lovely pie party.
    Ceri recently posted..My Five Favourite Things in February

    • On March 6, 2015 at 8:35 am Sally said:

      Not really. We have pot pies, but they insides are much creamier (more like soup or stew) than the British meat pies. And here in Michigan we have pasties, which are hand pies (I think you have the same thing in the UK?). But we don’t have savoury pies to the extent that the UK has them. And, yes, a pie party sounds truly lovely!

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