As much as I’m loving being a new kitty owner, I have to admit that having a kitten is much harder work than I thought it would be. In fact, it’s kind of like having a kid. Well, the kind of kid you can leave at home all day locked in your bedroom with a litter box and a bowl full of kitten chow.
Okay, so maybe it’s nothing like having a kid. But,whatever, just humor me.
10 Ways Having a Kitten is Kind of Like Having a Kid (Or “Why I Should Really Never Have Kids Because I, Seriously, Can’t Even Handle a Kitten.”)
1. All conversations lead to kitten.Almost every single conversation I’ve had this week — both in-person and on-line — has been about my cat.
Even if the conversation started on a non-cat related topic, I somehow end up talking about my cat by the end of it.
And, well, it’s possible I had an hour-long phone conversation with my parents about my cat this weekend. I should probably just go ahead and buy them this sign:
2. Oh, and while I’m talking about my cat, let me just show you a billion photos of her on my phone, okay?Because, seriously, who doesn’t want to see a billion photos of THIS SWEET LITTLE KITTY CAT FACE???
3. I’m sleep-deprived.Sure, I don’t have any late night feedings to deal with.
But I do have plenty of late night human-jumpings. And late night duvet-attackings. And late night ear-yowlings
Granted, I can deal with all of these late night annoyances by shoving her off the bed and on to the floor or locking her in the bathroom .
I hear you’re not supposed to do that with babies.
4. I’ve spent more money on her this week than I’ve spent on myself.Things I’ve bought for my cat this past week:
– A cheap “emergency” litter box bought the night I found her.
– A ridiculously overpriced litter box with built-in odor control, a swinging kitty door and something called “antimicrobial protection.”
– A little carpet to put in front of the litter box. Also ridiculously overpriced. But it came in the shape of a cat’s head. So that’s worth something, right?
– A super cute pink cat bowl because using a human bowl to serve her food in was just getting embarrassing.
– An assortment of toys, including balls, stuffed animals, and a stick with a feather boa attached to it that looks kind of like something a dominatrix would use.
– Dry food, wet food, a water bowl and some litter.Things I bought for myself this week:
– A mini bottle of hand lotion.
– A Diet Coke.
5. I care more about her health than I do my own.In the past six months, I have written on my to-do list “Find a doctor and a dentist” approximately a kabillion times. I have yet to do either of those.
Meanwhile, I’ve had George a little over a week and she’s already been to the vet.
And when the vet told me she was healthy, I felt proud. Like I was somehow personally responsible for the regularity of her bowel movements.
6. I regularly have to stop what I’m doing so I can stare at her.But, seriously, who wouldn’t want to stare at this SWEET LITTLE KITTY CAT FACE???
7. I can’t have nice things.Behold my Kindle:
This thing survived China. CHINA.
But it lasted less than one week with the kitten thanks to her tendency to want to attack ALL THE THINGS on my bedside table at least once a night.
8. I’ve started to come home from work early so I can see my cat.Yeah, I know, you guys. I just admitted that on the Internet.
But, seriously, who wouldn’t want to come home early to stare at THIS SWEET LITTLE KITTY CAT FACE???
9. I’ve already devised a complicated “Not Without My Daughter” scheme to rescue my cat in case her previous owners claim her.When I first found George, I filed a found pet report with animal services because that’s what the Google tells you to do when you search the words “What do I do when I find a stray cat?”
It wasn’t until a day or so afterwards that it dawned on me that there was a possibility that her previous owners might claim her and I’d have to give her back.
Well, folks, I’m not going to let that happen.
No, sirree. Not on my watch.
If I have to file some reckless kitten-endangerment charge against the previous owners or hide her in my shirt while they search my apartment, so help me God, I will.
(P.S. Don’t tell the authorities I just told you that.)
10. Unconditional love, you guys. It’s a real thing. As are the scratch marks running up and down my legs.One of the reasons I never thought I could have kids was because I didn’t think it would be possible for me to love someone who is basically out to destroy me.
But, yet, here I am, completely and totally in love with a monster.
She tears up my furniture. She breaks my things. She does this thing where she’ll latch her claws in my pant legs to try to crawl up on to my lap. She can yowl louder than any full-sized cat I’ve ever known.
Basically, she’s the worst.
And the best.
And I love her forever and ever and ever amen.
But, seriously, who wouldn’t love THIS SWEET LITTLE KITTY CAT FACE???Do you have pets? Do you have kids? Do you think owning a pet is kind of like having a kid?