Not that this is anything new.
Self doubt is one of my more consistent hobbies. It ranks right up there with binge-watching angsty dramas on Netflix and telling myself I can’t eat all the cookies and then eating ALL THE COOKIES. (In my defense, COOKIES.)
I realize that my current bout of uncertainty is primarily the result of the following circumstances:
a. It’s January. In Michigan.
b. I’m broke because I just spent a bajillion dollars on car repairs.
d. All of the above. And, well, if I’m going to be completely honest, girlie hormones.While I know this will all pass soon enough, I still can’t help kicking myself a little bit and wondering what life might be like if, say, instead of deciding to move to small-town Michigan last year, I had decided to move to some balmy metropolis far, far away where instead of spending all my cash on a car that doesn’t work, I could be lashing out on private beachside huts, Mai-Tais, massages, and my own very own personal tuk-tuk driver.
Of course, I know that if I were living in some balmy metropolis far, far away, I’d probably just be wondering what life might be like in small-town Michigan.
Because that’s how I work.
It’s not that I think the grass is always greener on the other side.
It’s more like I kind of like the grass I’m on, but at the same time I’m not so sure about this grass. I mean, does this grass even look okay with my eyes? Or should I have gone with something with more chartreuse. Does grass even come in chartreuse? Heck, I don’t even know what chartreuse is! AHHHH, WHY DOES GRASS COME IN SO MANY STUPID COLORS AND I CAN NEVER MAKE UP MY MIND AND WHEN I DO I’M STILL NOT SURE IF I’VE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION AND SHOULDN’T I JUST KNOW ALREADY WHAT COLOR GRASS I LIKE? I MEAN, I’M ALMOST THIRTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD. THAT’S LIKE PRIME THIS-IS-MY-COLOR-GRASS-AND-I-KNOW-IT-AGE, ISN’T IT???
So, yeah, that’s where my head’s been this weekend.But then I remembered a quote from Ira Glass. I can’t find the exact quote now. (I think it’s somewhere in this interview here. I watched it back when the interview was free to watch, but now the interview is on this inspirational website that you have to be a paying member to use, and, well, I’m too poor to pay for inspiration.)
But it went basically something like this:
Some people wake up every morning, and they are sure of themselves. They know what they’re doing is right and that they’re totally just going to rock it.
And then there are the other people. These people are the ones who wake up every morning, and they’re all like, “GAAAHHH! LIFE! HARD! ME! WRONG!”
You’re either one or the other. There’s really no changing that.
The trick is to just to figure out what kind of person you are and just deal with it already.
(Of course, when Ira Glass said this he sounded much more poised and thoughtful and not at all like the Incredible Hulk.)I remember when I first heard the quote I felt so inspired.
It inspired me in a way that the inspirational quotes telling me to believe in myself never did.
I wrote it down and kept it with me at all times because I’m that person — the type who writes down quotes by nerdy NPR reporters to keep in her purse.
But I’m also that other type of person — the type of person who is always doubting herself and her decisions.
And I know I can’t change that because Ira Glass told me so.
So I just need to deal with that already.