The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is admitting you’re a car.

January 16, 2014
So, remember last week when I told you all about how I’ve been walking to work and, as a result, have started to hate humanity?

Maybe you thought my new walking habit was the result of my wanting to save money on gas.

Or maybe you thought I was in it for the fitness.

Or, possibly, you suspected I enjoy the sense of superiority I get to feel over motorists as they speed by me with their gas-guzzlers and I stand there with a “DON’T MIND ME, I’M JUST SAVING THE EARTH FOR THE CHILDREN I DON’T EVEN HAVE” smirk on my face. The same smirk I get when I pull out my stack of reusable shopping bags at the grocery store, and the cashier just rolls her eyes like, “Not this.”

Whelp, you’d be right.

I do it for all those reasons.

But there’s been another reason lately.

Namely, my car’s a free-loading jerkface and has refused to start.

The other week, when it was so freaking cold out that I didn’t want to go anywhere ever again, my car decided the same thing. But, unlike me, my car actually has a choice in the matter.

My car doesn’t have to go to work to earn money.

Instead, it can be all like “Nah, not today” and refuse to start and make me trudge off to work while it sits under a nice cozy blanket of snow, hanging out with all the other cool cars in the parking lot, while eating whatever the car-equivalent of bon-bons is.

2014-01-05 16.56.18

Freeloader.

So that’s what it did.

And this was after I’d just got it some shiny new snow tires for Christmas. Because lavish gifts don’t mean a thing to this car.

Not quite willing to admit defeat and really not wanting to shill out yet another paycheck on a lazy, no-good, bon-bon eating, new-tire-wearing-but-totally-ungrateful car, my first plan of attack was to coerce various male, mechanical type people I know to come take a look at it.

Including my brother, who crawled underneath my car in the snow and ice for, like, five hours, for which he deserves The Best Brother Ever Award, but I didn’t have one of those, so I gave him some oatmeal cookies instead. In my defense, they were pretty good cookies.

cookies

I pay in cookies. OF COURSE.

When nothing worked, I finally caved and had it towed off to the garage this week. After which, I was informed the problem could easily be fixed to the tune of approximately a bajillion dollars. Which I begrudgingly paid because at some point I may actually need to go somewhere outside of my three-mile walking radius.

While perusing the bill to figure out how in the heck a bunch of spark plugs and an oil change could possibly cost me as much as black market kidney, I came across something curious in the fine print:

DSC06973

Umm, excuse me, VEHICLE HEROIN? WHAT NOW?

It was bad enough when my car was just a free-loading jerkface.

Now it’s a junkie?

I have a feeling it’s never, ever going to leave the parking lot again.

And I can’t even imagine how expensive the car-equivalent of smack is.

I don’t really have any questions for you this week besides, maybe, do you know a mechanic who needs a girlfriend? Or, at the very least, is willing to trade car repairs for cookies? 
16

I've blathered on long enough! Now it's your turn!

  1. On January 16, 2014 at 1:16 pm WanderingCarol said:

    Car rehab is obviously required.
    WanderingCarol recently posted..The flabby thighs guide to international travel

  2. On January 16, 2014 at 1:44 pm Priya said:

    This blog post is the equivalent of the hit song “Bills, Bills, Bills” by Destiny’s Child. That is all.
    Priya recently posted..The Second Job I’ve Quit In Three Months

  3. On January 16, 2014 at 4:44 pm Leslie in Portland, Oregon said:

    This post reminds me of all the frustration, time and money outlay I’ve avoided by having a 1989 Volvo (which I purchased used in 1992). I don’t remember the last time it needed anything other than basic maintenance. Of course, it has a garage to stay in, and we don’t get snow here (which is good, because surprisingly, it is not great in snow). Maybe your car needs a garage, which you probably could rent for less than the cost of repairs. How did your car do in Buffalo?

    • On January 19, 2014 at 11:52 am Sally said:

      I was able to park my car in a garage (or, err, barn) in Buffalo, so I didn’t have nearly as much trouble with it last year. Unfortunately, I don’t know of any garages I can rent nearby in my neighborhood for my car. I could leave it at the garage at work, but that would mean I could never drive to work… which I guess would kind of be defeating the purpose of having a car.

  4. On January 17, 2014 at 9:37 am jennifer said:

    I have never met your car, but I hate it. I just hope for your sake that your car is male and not female. The last thing you need right now is it selling itself for heroin money and accidentally producing heroin babies for you to take care of.
    jennifer recently posted..Travel Day: New York City to Niagara Falls, Ontario

  5. On January 24, 2014 at 9:52 am Ceri said:

    Oh dear. Nothing but a freeloadin’ bum. That car needs to get a grip.
    Ceri recently posted..It’s Official! I’m Moving Away Again …

    • On January 25, 2014 at 10:55 am Sally said:

      Totes. She probably needs some therapy. That’s going to cost me even more.

      • On January 31, 2014 at 11:02 am choi kum fook said:

        Since the car does not work probably, sell it out and get a better one! Otherwise you will spend more money on it and wasting the time as well. Fifteen minutes walking distance is considered not very far.You can do it, Miss Sally!

        • On February 1, 2014 at 11:39 am Sally said:

          Thanks, Mr. Choi. I don’t mind walking to work — it’s just not being able to get to the other places I need to go that’s a pain. Unfortunately, surviving in small town America is not so easy without a car, but I’ve seriously been thinking about giving it up. It’s just so much pain & money. I only wish I had you to drive me around like I did back on the rice farm!

  6. On March 26, 2015 at 1:09 pm Erica Ortiz said:

    Cars are expensive assholes sometimes. But I still love them.

    Sorry yours is being high maintenance. 🙁 They never act up at an appropriate time.
    Erica Ortiz recently posted..Half way there!

    • On March 28, 2015 at 11:02 am Sally said:

      I know, right? Luckily, my car has been relatively well-behaved since then. Which is good as I’m pretty sure I could not have taken another winter of having to walk to work because my car is broken. That was a looooonnnngggg winter last year!

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