2. I regularly fight the desire to grab twenty-year-olds and ask them what the heck they are wearing.
3. I also regularly fight the desire to tell twenty-year-old boys to pull up their pants and twenty-year-old girls to start wearing some pants if they’re wearing tights that they think are pants but are clearly not pants because if I can see your underwear they are not pants.
4. This semester, I’m taking a class at the university where I teach. I’m twice as old as most of the students in the class. Literally, TWICE AS OLD. That means I could be their mother. Or their twice-as-old, older sister.
5. Last week one of my classmates asked me what the Watergate Scandal was. I suspect this is because she figures I was the only one in the classroom who was alive back then. (I wasn’t. Well, I almost was. But still.)
6. I complimented someone on her harem pants — the same kind of pants I had back in the seventh grade. She told me that they were “vintage.”
7. My knees. Oh god, my knees.
8. I eat oatmeal every morning. I even buy the old-fashioned oats. Because kids these days and their quick oats.
9. I get super excited when I can go to bed early. The other day I went to bed at 8:00 and it was THE MOST EXCITING NIGHT OF MY LIFE EVER.
10. I have to remind myself not to wear the same pants everyday. In my defense, they are nice pants.
11. I’ve started saying things like, “When I was your age…”
12. I started reading romance novels. Amish romance novels. Come to think of it, I don’t know if this is a sign that I’m old or just weird. And mildly obsessed with the Amish.
13. My car is an Oldsmobile. A BEIGE Oldsmobile. Seriously, if that doesn’t say “old lady,” I don’t know what does.
14. Also, when I drive, I drive like I’m ninety. I’m that person in front of you driving 30 miles per hour on the freeway because the roads look a little slippery, and I don’t want to get in an accident, so you can go ahead, flash your lights all you want, I will not drive any faster. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH DOESN’T MEAN I DO, YOU HEAR ME, YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER?
15. My back. Oh god, my back.
16. My sensible shoes have started to outnumber my ridiculous shoes. And, if we’re going to be perfectly honest, my ridiculous shoes aren’t all that ridiculous.
17. I wear insoles in my shoes for arch support. Because, apparently, once you hit 30 your arches become freeloading jerkholes and stop supporting themselves.
18. Nice N’ Easy Natural Soft Black. Enough said.
19. I can’t eat anything spicy if I ever want to sleep again.
20. My neck. Oh god, my neck.
21. I cry. A LOT. Over pretty much everything from credit card commercials to student speeches to people’s Facebook status updates. I don’t know if this is the result of being more in touch with my emotions or because I’m old and can no longer control the fluids leaving my body.
22. When I stand up after sitting for a long time, my body makes sounds. Lots and lots of sounds. It’s like I’m a creaky old house. But in human form.
23. When I sit down after standing up for a long time, I make this “ufffhh” sound that’s kind of like the cross between a sigh and a grunt and it is really not attractive at all. I can hear it coming out of my mouth, and all I can think is “OH GOD NO, PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONE MAKING THAT SOUND.”
24. I am totally the one making that sound.
25. I remember astronaut ice cream. I also remember thinking we’d be eating all our food in freeze-dried, astronaut form by now. I’m kind of bummed this is not the case.
26. I own more tea than alcohol.
27. I also drink more tea than alcohol.
28. Also, it’s decaf tea because I can’t drink anything caffeinated past noon if I ever want to sleep again.
29. Speaking of sleep, is it time for me to do that yet? I mean, it’s only 6:00 PM. But that’s a reasonable bed time for a Sunday night, right?
30. Speaking of alcohol, I can’t even remember the last time I had more than three alcoholic beverages in a row. I don’t know if this is because it’s been a long time since I’ve done that or because my memory has started failing me.
31. Speaking of… wait. What were we speaking of?
32. My hips. Oh my god, my hips.
33. When my students tell me that they’re cold after walking to school from the parking lot, I tell them about how I had to walk to school from my apartment. Two miles. Through the snow. Up hill both ways.
34. I very regularly can’t figure out how to make the technology work in my classroom and need one of my students to help me.
35. I hate texting almost as much as I hate talking to people on the phone. And I REALLY hate talking to people on the phone.
36. I talk to strangers a lot more now. In this past weekend, I had conversations with at least six random people I didn’t know. I would have never done this before. I don’t know if this is because I’m more confident. Or if it’s because I’m turning into that crazy old lady who talks to people on the sidewalk. Either way, it’s kind of fun.
37. I also don’t care as much about what strangers might think of me. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and bought iced animal crackers and red wine and rocked it at the checkout like it was no big deal. In the past, I would have at least thrown some carrots in my basket in an attempt to look like a person with some idea as to how nutrition works.
38. I turned 38 on Friday. THIRTY-FREAKING-EIGHT-YEARS-OLD YOU GUYS. I’m pretty sure I never thought I would ever see this age back when I was rocking harem pants. But it’s good to be here. Even if I can’t buy all my food in freeze-dried, astronaut form. (Seriously, you guys? When is that going to happen? Also, I’d like to know when we are all going to get flying cars like on The Jetsons.)What signs have made you realize you’re not the young whippersnapper you used to be? Unless you are a young whippersnapper. In which case, you need to get off my lawn.