I’ve actually had an apartment for about three weeks now, but I wasn’t able to move in until last week. Apparently, in Michigan, unlike in certain other parts of the world, you can’t just hand someone a big wad of cash and expect to move in the same day. This technique totally worked in Thailand, so I’m not entirely sure what Michigan’s deal is. I guess the apartments here just like to play hard to get or something.
But it’s mine.
At least for the next twelve months.So I kind of want to show it off to all of you.
You know, give you a little photo tour of the place like they do on those fancy home design blogs. Even though there’s not really much to see at the moment.
Like, I don’t actually have any furniture yet. Unless plastic packing boxes count as furniture. In that case, my apartment is basically Ethan Allen meets Rubbermaid. I’m calling it Storage Bin Chic.
So what if I don’t have anything to show off just yet? I’ve never really let a little thing like not having something to brag about prevent me from bragging before, so let’s do this thing, why don’t we?
The Un-Furnished New Apartment TourFirst, you’re going to need to walk down the hallway. Because that’s how apartments work, you guys.
It’s kind of like a metaphor for life. You got to walk down some hallways to get to your destination. Sometimes the hallways are boring and dull and have walls the color of hospital scrubs.
But then as you’re walking down that hallway, thinking to yourself, “Wow, this sure is a boring hallway. When am I going to get to the apartment already?” you notice some pictures on the wall, and you think to yourself, “Oh look, it’s a picture of a French chalet. How charming! And there’s a… holy crap, IS THAT A SPARKLY PINK VAGINA? BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S A SPARKLY PINK VAGINA.”
That’s probably a metaphor for life, too. Like, sometimes, life hands you French chalets. And sometimes it hands you sparkly, pink vaginas. And sometimes you get both.You can come into my apartment now.
You know, now that I’ve used the word vagina on my blog enough times to make everyone feel really uncomfortable (sorry, Grandma!).
Probably the first thing you’ll notice is the lovely hardwood floor. That’s the first thing I noticed when I came to look at the apartment.
I do love me some hardwood floors.
Or I did.
Before I spent a week sitting on them.
You guys, there’s a reason these floors are called hardwood and not just, you know, wood floors. Because they’re freaking hard, okay?
It doesn’t even matter if you have a yoga mat to sit on like I do.
After eating almost every single meal on the floor, my butt has been rendered completely numb.
And every time I need to stand up, I have to do this thing where I rock myself on to my knees and then slowly heave myself upward while holding on to the wall. I look like a toddler who’s just learning how to walk. But a really, really large toddler. Like a Guinness Book of World Records toddler.
Let’s just say it’s a good thing I have blinds on my windows.Probably the second thing you’ll notice when you enter my apartment is the kitchen.
Or lack thereof.
You see, my kitchen is basically just a closet with some appliances in it.
And it’s AWESOME.
You guys, I can cook an entire meal, eat it above the sink and do all the dishes and never have to move my feet! It’s basically my dream kitchen.
The only drawback is that I’m pretty sure the stove is calling me fat.Speaking of kitchens the size of closets, have I mentioned my closets yet?
Yes, I said closets with an “s” at the end. As in more than one! Two closets to be exact.
Which means I get to have a shirt and sweater closet:
And a pants, skirts and dresses closet:
Because you really shouldn’t have your tops and bottoms in the same closet or bad things will happen. Like you’ll start thinking you have too many clothes. That’s what I used to think back when I had to cram all my clothes into one, measly closet.
When really the problem was that I simply didn’t have enough closets.
I’m glad that problem has been solved.But I’ve jumped ahead of myself, haven’t I?
I forgot to show you my new office:
Notice there is no desk or office chair yet, but I’m pretty sure those plastic bins are ergonomic.
And here’s my entertainment center. Which, for the most part, has not been particularly entertaining.
You see, in addition to being furniture-less, I was also Internet-less for almost all of last week.
It probably says a lot about me that I found it a lot more difficult to live without Internet than furniture. I was forced to do all this annoying stuff like unpack and read books and think deep thoughts to keep myself busy.
I don’t even know how I survived you guys.
Luckily, I got the Internets on Saturday, and life is suddenly worth living again.Then there’s my bathroom.
Which looks pretty much like your standard bathroom with your standard bathroom stuff.
Until you look into the mirror and realize YOU ARE A HIDEOUS MONSTER WITH PORES THE SIZE OF TOKYO.
You see, right next to the mirror are these crazy bright light bulbs.
These are not the kind of light bulbs you want next to your bathroom mirror. Unless you like staring at the mirror, wondering how stuff doesn’t get lost in all the HUGE HIDEOUS MONSTER HOLES in your HUGE HIDEOUS MONSTER FACE.
Can we get out of the bathroom already? Because THE HUGE HIDEOUS MONSTER FACE IS STARING AT ME!!!
Where were we again?Oh yes, I was just about to show you the bedroom!
Where, in fact, I do have a bed!
Or, a bed-like thing.
It’s actually just an air mattress, but you probably can’t even tell, right? Look at how well I’ve disguised it with beige!
Surprisingly, it’s pretty comfortable — considering the fact that it’s made out of plastic and air. It’s definitely more comfortable than my yoga mat and hardwood floor.
So don’t mind me while I take a little nap. After all, this tour-giving thing can be exhausting.
I trust you can show yourself out, right?
Just turn left outside of my door and the exit is right by the sparkly pink vagina.Have you ever had to live without furniture? How did you survive?