On Being Single, Not Looking & the People You’ll Meet.
And I’m okay with that.
REALLY.
I’m not even lying right now or giving you a “I’m trying to pretend to be cool with this even though I’m not cool with this” smile or anything.
So you can all stop rolling your eyes at me already.
And please stop attempting to set me up with your second cousin, Harold. Who I’m sure is a super sweet guy no matter what his parole officer says.
The thing is being single has allowed me to do a lot of really awesome life things. Things that I very likely couldn’t have done if I had someone else’s desires and needs and career aspirations to consider.
Plus, I never ever have to share my cream puffs.
Back away from my cream puffs, mister. Not until I see a ring on my finger.
So I’m cool with being single.
REALLY.
But there are a few things about being single that I’m not so cool with.Like that awkward moment when I’m at a wedding reception by myself and the DJ puts on a slow song, and the dance floor is taken over by couples, and I’m suddenly in junior high school all over again, and the only person who asks me to dance is Fat Kenny, who I’ve known since kindergarten.
(P.S. Dear Fat Kenny, I’m sorry I ever called you Fat Kenny. I’m sure you’re a total fox now. And thanks for asking me to dance in junior high school when no one else would. I’m sorry I cried and ran to the bathroom.)
Scaring off all the eighth grade boys with my snappy fashion skills.
And there are times when I really want to go to something, but it’s not one of those things that I could go to by myself without feeling really awkward about it, but I can’t find anyone to go with me, and I know if I had a boyfriend I could just make him go because that’s what boyfriends are for, right?
(P.S. Anyone want to go to the Mike Birbiglia show? With me? On Valentine’s Day weekend? In Buffalo?)
(P.S. Yes, I did just ask you out on date. With me. For Valentine’s Day weekend. In Buffalo. Let’s forget that ever happened, shall we? Unless you want to go. Do you?)
But probably my biggest pet peeve about being single is all the clichéd dating advice that I receive from well-meaning friends, family members and strangers.I know, I know.
People are just trying to be helpful.
But, guys, I’m just going to have to go ahead and stab someone in the throat the next time I hear, “You’ll find someone when you’re not looking.”
Very much “looking.” At the marriage market in Shanghai’s People’s Park.
I realize a lot of the people who are saying this are, in fact, people who met someone when they were “not looking.”
And I’ve seen it happen.
I’ve watched friends and family members and other people I know fall in love with people they never expected to fall in love with. At times when they were definitely not expecting to fall in love.
While it may happen that way for some people, it doesn’t always happen that way for everyone.
And by “everyone,” I mean “me.”
And by “doesn’t always,” I mean “never, ever, not even once, so how is that even fair?”
And, trust me, I’ve been “not looking” for years.
I mean, does this look like a lady who’s looking for love?
Howdy, boys.
Seriously, you guys, if there was some kind of prize for “not looking,” I’d totally be getting the lifetime achievement award right about now.
I mean, I don’t even know how more “not looking” you can get than living in East Asia for five and a half years. In case you haven’t heard, Asia is not exactly the best place to find a date if you happen to be a Western lady. Especially if you happen to be mouthy, over-thirty, white girl with man-calves.
Mind you, my years in Asia weren’t completely romance-free.I awkward-flirted with a few guys.
Some of them gamely flirted back.
Some of them backed away slowly while asking me if I was experiencing some kind of allergic reaction given the way I kept breaking out in hives.
I went on a few dates. Like the one with the Japanese cop. Who showed up to our date with his supervisor, his supervisor’s wife and their one-year-old child. That was fun.
And once I flew all the way from Japan.
To Detroit.
For a weekend.
To be with a boy.
Let’s just say, that was a bad idea.
Obviously.
I mean, when is going to Detroit ever going to be a good idea?
(P.S. No hard feelings, Detroit. Okay, maybe a few hard feelings.)
So, yeah, that whole “not looking” thing has not exactly worked its wonders for me.
This is not to say that I haven’t met tons of wonderful people even though I was totally not looking for them.I mean, when I moved abroad six years ago, I don’t remember thinking, “I’m totally going to go and meet the most kick-ass friends a girl could ever possibly have.”
But that’s exactly what happened.
Singing “Wind Beneath My Wings.” With dance moves. Obviously.
When you live abroad, your friends become more than your friends.
They become your family.
Which means they invite you over for holiday dinners.
Thanksgiving. A la Thailand.
They push you to do things you never thought you were capable of.
This look on my face says, “My friends are making me do this.” And “Where’s my free t-shirt?”
And they love you unconditionally.
Even when you’re cranky and annoying.
Or you’re so drunk that you start falling off their furniture.
Right before I fell off a chair.
Especially given the fact that my foreign language skills basically revolve around how to order beer.
There were the regulars at my local park in Japan who would shout good morning to me during my morning runs.
There was a certain Malaysian rice farmer.
Mr Choi, my favorite rice farmer.
And, of course, the flirtatious Chinese taxi cab drivers, who just seemed to think the language barrier added to my exotic charm.
My taxi driver & me.
I mean, six years ago I never would have imagined I’d be spending a good part of my week blathering away to all of you on the Internet.
And I certainly never could have imagined my meeting many of you in person. Which has been totally awesome. And not weird and creepy and Internet date-y. (Okay, so maybe it’s been a little bit Internet date-y, but in a good way.)
My Internet date with Barbara from The Dropout Diaries. And beer.
(P.S. This is not my way of asking you out on another date. Unless you want to go. Do you?)
So maybe it’s true what they say — that you’ll meet someone when you’re not looking.In fact, you’ll meet a lot of someones — a lot of really awesome someones who will, in turn, make your life super, duper awesome.
You just might not meet that someone who will dance with you during the slow songs at wedding receptions.
But, whatever.
You weren’t looking for him anyway, right?
Besides, you’ve got about one thousand and five people who totally have your back once the DJ starts pumping out the Lady Gaga.
95% of the men I’ve dated were met when not “looking” – a couple quite seriously – as in literally wasn’t looking and walked into them. Grab all the cream puffs for yourself and enjoy life!
Maria recently posted..Live-Stock Options
Wow, I never thought about actually running into men to get their attention. Maybe I should start doing that!
Remember to use elbow pads!
Maria recently posted..Your Breath at My Ear
Ha ha, will do!
Anyone want to set me up with an Indian guy with lots of money?…
I’ll totally go on a date with you! Pick me up at 5, Chicago time. I totally agree with this. I’m not looking either, not that I know how to look. How do you look? The closes I’ve gotten to a not-looking-date was the married guy who started talking to me on the train a few weeks ago. Though he wasn’t being a creep. I think he’s just one of those people who is comfortable with talking to strangers on the train. And, trust me, nobody talks to me on the train. Unless they’re homeless. Or crazy. Or both.
Ugh, and I hate the reactions that people give you when you say you’re single. “Aww-you-poor- pathetic-thing-you”… keep on Not Looking Sally! Keep on Not Looking!
Priya recently posted..Just Another Post Complaining, Chicago Style
I will! Maybe I should get a t-shirt that says “Not Looking.” You know, make stuff official.
I’ve met so many wonderful people when I wasn’t looking. Actually, the best people. Actually, I’ve never looked for anyone now that I think about it. Maybe I should start looking? I wonder who’d turn up then? Anyway, great post and funny as always.
Kim recently posted..Beauty in the Breakdowns: We Survived the Rickshaw Run
I know, right? Just imagine the people you could meet if you walked around with a sign on you that said, “Looking for people!”
I didn’t marry until I was 42. Really. And that’s über ancient in Utah where I live. I TOTALLY relate to what you wrote. I was so very content with being single except for weddings, rides to airport, and wanting to a romanticky (sp?) concert.
And then this happened: http://tinyurl.com/b4kmkex
Thanks for sharing the link. I’ll have to check it out!
I was looking for a best friend for years… and lo and behold it turns out to be my roomie the entire time.
She is amazing!
I do love meeting random amazing people though. It helps me keep my faith in humanity.
Erica recently posted..Up and Coming Over Yonderlusting
Aww, that’s a cute story about your roomie. I hope she knows how much you love her!
You can invite me to Buffalo for a weekend when it isn’t minus a million degrees and buried under 80 feet of snow.
chinamatt recently posted..Slithering into a New Year
80 feet? Phshaw. It’s only like 60 feet now.
The 3 loves of my life were all met while I wasn’t looking, especially my husband. I was anti-men when I met him haha! It will happen for you I promise!!
Andi of My Beautiful Adventures recently posted..Buenos Aires, Argentina: New Year’s Eve + Giveaway
Well, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure I will. I don’t mean to sound cynical because I am a complete and hopeless romantic, but I’ve met plenty of women who never found the love of their lives and they were totally cool with it. I had a great aunt who never got married, but she was surrounded by nieces and nephews who loved her. And one time when she was like 65 she decided she wanted a new coat so she went to Taiwan to buy one. Taiwan! I remember thinking that was the coolest thing ever. So, yeah, maybe it will happen to me, maybe not. But, whatever happens, I hope when I’m 65 and I want a new coat, I’ll be able to just head to Taiwan and get one!
I love this response
I definitely thought I would be in those shoes (want a new coat in Taiwan? Go for it!).
As you know, I wasn’t looking for ages and was totally cool with being single — enjoyed it for the most part too. I’m very surprised I’m married. Very glad, of course, but still a little in shock
I met Gav in large part because I met his best friend YEARS ago online simply because we both had Star Wars related LiveJournal user names. We became friends and I eventually traveled to London to meet him and his group of friends (except for Gav, who was too shy to join the group til I was in Australia). I love all the someones I’ve met on the road.
I love this: “we both had Star Wars related LiveJournal user names.” You may be the coolest dork I know. (I mean this as a huge compliment, of course)
Why thank you
Oh, and totally unrelated to anything, I had a sudden realization the other day that you kind of look like Jessica Alba. And I’m not just saying that because I called you a dork and I feel bad. You really kind of do. Has anybody told you that?
I’d recognize that Christmas tree party hat anywhere. Only you can pull that look off while falling off the furniture. Now that’s talent.
I couldn’t find the picture of me falling off the chair. But it’s probably for the best.
I was surprised by the great people I met while traveling. We may have only spent one weekend hanging out before going in separate directions, but I still keep in touch with them.
Stephanie – The Travel Chica recently posted..The Drunken Tree of Buenos Aires
Me too! Crazy, huh?
Thank you for writing this! I feel the same way about “hitched” friends offering advice! The most recent was “why don’t you try online dating? that’s how I met so-and-so.” Again, you are exactly right, internet dating is “weird and creepy and internet date-y.” I’ve given up on that. On the other hand, I have met lots of great people during my travels, people I’m sure I will know for the rest of my life – some even romantic (though none have left).
Yeah, I get that a lot too. And I have tons of friends that online dating has totally worked. But I tried it for 3 months, and I wasn’t a fan. I would hit it off with the guy over email, but then when we met in person there would be no chemistry at all. Plus, it’s really, REALLY time-consuming. And, frankly, I don’t have a lot of free time and I don’t feel like spending it on a whole bunch of guys I may or may not like.
I would TOTALLY take you up on the date invitation. You’d have to shout me a flight to Buffalo though (does it have an airport? I don’t even know where it is) as I’m all unemployed and poor. I live in Uganda though so pretty sure I’d turn into a hugely expensive date.
Nice thought though. Thanks for the invitation.
Jenny recently posted..Happy Year of the Snake
Hmmm, Uganda to Buffalo? That sounds pricey. I don’t want a date THAT BAD.
I spent many years single and can honestly say there are a lot of pluses to both being single or being in a relationship. You seem fairly comfortable with your situation and remain focused on the positives.
I love being in a relationship but I also really enjoyed the freedoms of being single.
Hey, what’s wrong with Buffalo? I think it gets a bad press and is not too bad. For one thing it has Niagra Falls!
The Guy recently posted..The Magic Of Melbourne – Street Art
I like Buffalo. It’s just other people who don’t. And there’s like a billion feet of snow at the moment.
I’m totally DONE LOOKING, not even “not looking” and I say this for the specific purpose of stopping well-intentioned serial monogamists and unhappily married people from giving me advice =P…. but like you, I’ve met amazing people during my time abroad – some of the best! Keep looking for those people, wherever you are =)
gigi recently posted..And Then I Took My Baby Sister on a Roadtrip…
You too, Gigi!
In college, I often got those lovely “you’re just like my brother” things said to me. For the longest time, my thoughts on premarital sex could be summed up in one word: frustrating.
For me, I guess the key was the my wife had quit looking at the same time that I had. I was 34, and she 31. In Japan, that’s ‘too old’ for most. She had quit looking, and had set out on starting her career. As things progressed, her parents actually kind of sat me down and strongly implied that they hoped we weren’t getting married because we HAD to. They had invested a lot of time/energy into her new career and didn’t want her to drop that for some random gaijin loser boy with no future.
Well, you know you gaijin boys. Can’t trust ‘em.
I’ve never had any interested in looking, or interest in what not looking is supposed to represent. I’m asexual and aromantic so I’m definitely not the person to ask for love/romance advice. I’ll say that many people I know have met their wives/husbands when they weren’t looking, and had basically said “I don’t care anymore I’m just gonna be alone forever” right before the love of their lives came in.
Alouise recently posted..Souvenirs and A Contest
I keep on hearing this too. I’ll believe it when I see it!
This is by far the greatest post I’ve read in ages. I might just start giving people this link when I get the “keep looking!” crap. Thank you!
Please do! I think it would result in a lot less throat-stabbings.
What a great piece! This is exactly what I needed to hear at this time in my life. I looked and met and played around with a lot of very very emotionally unavailable men when I lived I. NYC for 6 years. I think that city is the centre of the emotionally unavailable universe! I stopped looking, and then moved to Canada for a year and a half. I’ve worked on myself, I enjoy movies alone late at night in empty theatres, I enjoy my meditation time, and all the nice people I meet along the way. I find it interesting I read this when I’ve just come back from a trip to Southeast Asia and am planning to move to Korea or Thailand for 2+ years to work in media or teach English, anything to experience living abroad in Asia would be great. I crave the adventure and the new. I love Asia. Do you have any suggestions?
I’d be happy to answer any of your questions about living in Asia or teaching English. Feel free to shoot me an email at unbravegirl at gmail.com. And glad you enjoyed the post!
KARAOKE! Thanks for the double shout out here! You’re coming to Chicago in March just so we can repeat all these right? Lady Gaga & Whitney Houston – I need you as my singing partner again!
The Japanese bad date sounds awful! And Detroit?! Oh lapses in judgement…
And I would so be your date for Mike Birbiglia – he’s outstanding! Hugs lady & hope to see you soon!
Bessie recently posted..Can We Make the US Home & Still Live Like Travelers? How is it Being Home – Part 2
I’m thinking the visit might be more like May. I’ll keep you posted! Have fun in Mexico!
I got to gym class late one day in 7th grade when it was “Dance Day.” Everyone was dancing except two girls standing alone on the other side of the basketball court. Coach told me to “Pick one.” I’m not sure which one I felt worse for, the one I picked or the one left standing alone. Neither ran off to the bathroom crying but I’m sure they both wanted to.
Ross recently posted..Western Australian Plants
I really don’t think junior high school students should be allowed to have or go to dances. It’s just a breeding ground for low self esteem. Unless you’re one of those people who actually gets asked to dance. And we hate those people.
I seriously love you for this post. This is fantastic and just what I needed.
Kera – Dreadnaught Darling recently posted..Dreadnaught Darling Presents: Kraash
Thank you, Kera. Glad you enjoyed it!
I’ll join you in the throat stabbing. I’m going to scream the next time someone tells me I’ll meet someone “when you least expect it.” Well, I can’t be expecting it any less than I currently am or have been for the last, IDK, several years or something.
My question is when would you MOST be expecting it? Is there some time in your life when you’re going to be like, “Oh, yes, I’m totally going to fall in love… any minute now.”
great post, well said. but yeah, all those people who feel sorry for you when you’re single, I feel like throttling them!! what do they think I’m doing? sitting around crying. No Way, I’m having a great time. I guess when you meet the right person you don’t want to be selfish any more, but in the meantime, life’s there to be grabbed with both hands! with complimentary margheritas and karaoke machine of course!!
Naomi recently posted..The philosophy of travel
I kind of have a hard time believing I’ll ever not want to be selfish. So maybe it’s best I just stay single.
I literally just wrote a post about this (kind of) – questioning whether being honest on my blog would scare men away haha.
I do sometimes wonder if I’ll meet someone but, like you, whenever someone says ‘it’ll happen when you’re not looking for it’; I literally want to punch them in the face!
Hopefully I’ll meet one (or several) hot Australian men when I land in Sydney for 2 years in October – I WILL be looking for them
Toni recently posted..I am The Undateable!
Wahoo! Have fun in Australia. And, yes, by all means, LOOK FOR THE BOYS!
I have been married for like 22 years to two different guys, the first of which when I was 19, so I have little to no advice on how to date. Aren’t you grateful?!
But i will say, your blog post was so sweet, and funny, that if I were a guy, I would totally ask you out!
Eva x
Eva Hamori recently posted..The Art of the Éclair
Aww, thanks, Eva. Have a single brother by any chance?
Sally, I’ve been away from your blog for way too long. Life gets in the way sometimes, you know?
Until I met Andy, I was perpetually single too, and I HATED those people who told me I’d meet someone when I wasn’t looking. Because really, if I didn’t want to be single, how would I ever NOT be looking? But then I decided I wanted to get out of my job, travel, live overseas, and told myself meeting a guy at that point would ruin my plans, so I didn’t want to meet anyone. And then I met Andy, who was already living in Germany, and here I am 2 1/2 years later. Crazy stuff.
Ali recently posted..How to Pick Carry-on Only Luggage
I still remember reading the post you wrote about meeting Andy. I LOVE your story.
I wish lots of luck in your love life. xD
For me, I suppose since I was 12 I’ve always been on the lookout for friends and awesome people to meet…so erm…never.
But y’know…someday.
There are too many fake thing in life for love to be one of them.
Thanks, Dania. I think it’s always a good idea to keep your eye out for the cool peeps.
How about meeting someone in the midst of going through divorce, and having that someone not turn out to be a rebound, but your true soulmate? Now THAT’S not looking! Try to beat that!
(1 year together, and counting *_*)
I doubt I’m ever going to beat that. Glad to hear you found the one!
This made me nostalgic for Taiwan. It’s so true that when you’re living abroad, you make such close, dependable friends who quickly become your family. Looking or not, Mr. Right shouldn’t be rushed. Anyways, I don’t understand why you didn’t go for the taxi driver. Hellloooo hot stuff!
Kristin of Be My Travel Muse recently posted..You Might be a Backpacker in Southeast Asia if…
I have a feeling he wasn’t a one-woman type of lady. Especially since he flirted with all the white girls.
To tell you the TRUTH: I was ALWAYS looking, because I think I needed to, or I would miss anyone who might be Mr. Right — and who coined THAT term anyway??? I may have been married for almost 20 years now, but I am not convinced that Wayne is “Mr. RIGHT” LOL – he is more like “Mr. Okay-you-will-do—and-we-tolerate-each-other-on-many-levels—so-this-may-just-work” And I was LOOKING… I created a midnight fountain gathering on campus, and it was for the sole purpose of meeting men. I had one of the first computer accounts at IU, and it was no web like we know today – no pictures. ugh. So – you would flirt, meet, and realize that the chemistry was ALL wrong. MANY awkward moments…. so I tried harder… looked more. I thought “Hey, what if I made a gathering where people meet face-to-face first, then they could flirt online knowing what they were dealing with” — and that is how I found a husband… he showed up on the second night… and he was not the first one I dated from the fountain scene either… haha. His best man also went on a few dates with me. I know, I am a freak! RUNS IN THE FAMILY!
I don’t really know why looking gets such a bad rap. I mean, if you wanted a job, you’d look for a job, right? So if you want a boyfriend, why wouldn’t you look for one? And midnight fountain gathering sounds like fun. I think I would like that much more than my experience with Internet dating. At least if you weren’t feeling it, you could run away in the night.
Speaking as one of the scaredy cats you’ve inspired, thank you for blathering to us. I love it! That was also a great reminder to savor my current singlehood… more cream puffs for me!
Colleen recently posted..At the Market, Hoi An
Yay! Cream puffs for the single ladies!
From my experience, the best people appear “when you’re not looking”. I mean, I met people I never thought I was going to have anything in common with while living abroad… and turns out, after many years, we’re still close!
Katherina recently posted..Photo Essay: My Winter Escape to the Country Side
I know, isn’t it funny? I’ve met people for one weekend — and I talk to them more than people I’ve known for years. So crazy.
Miss Sally, Happy Chinese Year! I have been stopped reading your post since last November because due to little bit of health problem involved in my body.Every post in your blog are good posts. Miss Sally, do not worry so much, let things be naturally, when it comes, it comes naturally. We could not control the fortune by our own..!
Thanks, Mr. Choi. I hope you are feeling better! Please recover because my parents are expecting you to come volunteer on our farm! Ha ha! I’m kidding, of course, but I do hope you’re feeling better!
I have to agree with you here. I never thought much about love and marriage when I was out of school and in the “real world”. I always thought that someday I would meet the right person. Well, it never happened. I’ve met some amazing women, and perhaps I could have been happy if I had married one of them, but who can say for sure?
So now I am in my 40′s, and quite the black sheep with my friends and family, all of whom seem to believe that you should get married and start raising kids when you are young. Well sorry everyone, but that was never for me. There is a line from a movie or tv show, I can’t remember where I heard it, but it goes “I am alone, but not lonely”. That fits me perfectly. I have friends, I work hard, I travel, I meet people, I do things. I have never thought that I was missing anything, or that somehow my life never had any meaning.
Maybe I will “run into” that one person tomorrow, you never know. Until then, if someone wants to think less of us for being single, that is their problem. Each of us is different. We have different wants and needs, and we all have own own paths to follow.
I wouldn’t say “think less” of me because I’m single. Or at least I hope they don’t! I think it’s just a concept that a lot of people can’t understand — that I would remain single and enjoy it and not be hell-bent on finding someone to “cure” my singleness.
G
Perhaps “think less” was not quite correct, but people definitely think I am different or unusual. I have been described as damaged, scared, repressed, gay, phobic, all sorts of things. You are right, the concept of marriage is so ingrained in our social conciousness, that people are unsure of what to think of those of us who remain unmarried. I don’t know, I am definitely overthinking this. In the end, it is my opinion of myself that counts, and I am happy with my status. Perhaps that will change in the future. Who knows?
I think I have been “Not Looking” the wrong way because it does not seem to be working. I wonder how you “Not Look” the right way?
Jeff @ Go Travelzing recently posted..The Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge in Northern Ireland
Yeah, maybe there’s some kind of “Not Looking” tutorial we could take. Or maybe there’s an Internet dating site for not-lookers, kind of like how there’s one for Jewish people or older people.
I loved reading this! It really made me laugh. I completely get where you’re coming from. I spend a lot of time travelling the world solo, and have met the most wonderful travellers. I know I would never have had the same experiences if I wasn’t single. ‘Summer romances’ are fun, but it’s never turned in to anything serious for me – I tell myself its definitely for the best!
Aww, thanks, Liliana, glad you enjoyed the post & could relate!
I like being single and kind of glad I don’t meet anyone. … Actually, that’s a lie because I *do* end up meeting people and then breaking it to them that this isn’t a fairytale because I’m going to move countries.
What happened to the vegetarian guy?
Ceri recently posted..Scenes from the Museo de Arte Moderno
I feel the same! I’ve been “not looking” for a really long time too – and…no magical guy has fallen in front of me as yet! People keep giving me pitying gazes and saying “But you’re in Italy?!?! And you’re SINGLE. In Italy?!!?! WITH ALL THE GORGEOUS MEN?” In case saying it louder makes something inside me click and go “HEY, I totally didn’t realise! Thanks for reminding me!”
Great post – and honestly, there is more to life! If you find someone amazing, fabulous; if not, you have so many extra life experiences to discover! Being single isn’t the be all and end all – even in the apparently no-singles-allowed Italia.
Alex recently posted..The Italian Emergency Room…
Wow. I’m glad I was never single in Italy. At least in Asia, I kind of had a good excuse for not dating much — not that I didn’t like Asian guys, they just seemed very intimidated by me. But, yeah, if I was in Italy, I’m sure I’d have to explain why I was single all the time. Uggh. Good luck with that!