And how you should all drop everything you were doing and instantly contact me with all your problems?
Well, apparently, only four of you have any problems because that’s exactly the number of responses I got.
I had no idea you guys were so put together.
I mean, that is the reason why you haven’t asked me for any advice yet, right?
Luckily, the few questions I got were doozies, so I’m pretty sure they’re going to keep me busy for months. Or, at least, until someone ends up in jail for following my advice.To start us off, I’m going to address some questions I got from Sine at Ex-Joburg Expat, who has recently moved back to the States with her family after living in South Africa for a number of years.
As you can see, she asked me a whole bunch of good questions, including how to make new friends after repatriating and how to find a doctor in your new place of residence when you’re sick.
As someone who has also recently moved back to the States, I can totally relate. I’ve had difficulties with these issues myself. Friends and doctor’s appointments do not grow on trees here, you guys. Both require about a six-month waiting period. I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU.
So I’m totally covered.
If you don’t have these things, you might want to, I don’t know, get on the Internet and research doctors or join a club or something.
Or you can come to my house!
We have plenty of antibiotics and cats for everyone!Sine also asked me about how to deal with juggling kids’ stuff, like music lessons and sports practices, while doing adult things like researching contractors.
Now, I don’t have any kids.
But I used to be a kid once.
And, I can tell you from my experience as a former-kid, that the best thing to do is to just not let your kids do any of that stuff.
I mean, I hardly did any kind of extracurricular activities as a kid and look at how I turned out.
Totally normal, right?
You see, my parents had like a million kids and they both worked, so they couldn’t really haul us all around to recitals and soccer practice and other fancy schmancy stuff, like orthodontic procedures.
Besides, why do kids need to know how to use a piano, anyway? Huh? I mean, there’s no piano section on the SAT.
And learning how to work in a team? When is that ever going to come in handy later in life?
But there are tons of useful skills your kids can pick up in the convenience of your own home. Or your own farm should you happen to have one. And you don’t even have to shuttle them back and forth to practices or shell out tons of money for uniforms.
For example, they could learn how to dress up guinea pigs.
Or, say, learn how to look miserable in every single family photo taken.
Especially any family photos that happen to feature goats.
Now those are some important life skills, my friends. And they don’t teach you that stuff in Girl Scouts. Not that I ever went to Girl Scouts. But lots of my friends did, and they were totally useless when it came to guinea pig fashion.Sine’s last question had to do with teaching her sixteen-year-old how to drive.
This, again, just sounds like one of those fancy, schmancy extracurricular activities that’s going to fill your kid’s head full of information he’s never going to need later in life.
I mean, driving? Who needs to know how to do that?
Why not teach your kid something important?
Like how to sit on top of a barn roof while holding a chicken.
Now, that, my friends. That is a skill that’s going to get you far in life!
I mean, just look at me and how far I’ve come!
Or, umm, don’t.Well, that’s it, guys.
Best of luck with your return to the States, Sine!
I just hope none of my advice helps land you in jail.
Although, come to think of it, jail would solve a lot of your problems. I mean, there’s on-site medical care and plenty of people to hang out with. And, last time I checked, they don’t allow you to bring any of your kids with you to prison.
Wow, you guys.
This whole advice column thing?
NAILED IT.Have you ever returned home after living overseas? What was the most difficult part of your move? Have any advice on making friends, dealing with doctors or any of that other stuff?
Or do you have a question you’d like me to answer? Leave a comment below, fill out the contact form or email me at unbravegirl at gmail.com