I know, right?
Who thought that was ever going to happen?
I mean, seriously, you guys, given my life choices, I should really be lying in a ditch by now. Or, at the very least, missing a few limbs. And a whole lot of teeth.
I can’t really say I feel much older.
Okay, maybe I feel a little older.
But that’s only because people keep on calling me ma’am.
By the way, people, YOU NEED TO STOP CALLING ME MA’AM.
I feel “ma’am” is one of those words that should only be used to address adult people.
And, I am not one of those people, I assure you.
After all, adult people know how to do adult people stuff! I don’t know how to do any of that stuff, you guys!
And to prove it to you, I came up with this list:
37 Things I Don’t Know How to Do Despite Being 37 Years Old. So Stop Calling me Ma’am Already.1. How to tell my left from my right without doing that thing where you make an “L” with the fingers on your left hand.
I’m not even kidding, you guys.2. How to tell which direction I’m heading in. Literally. And figuratively. But, mostly, literally.
I hate it when people are like, “Oh, walk north on such-and-such road, and then turn west.”
How am I supposed to know which direction north is?
I am not a human compass, you guys.3. How to stop eating all the free nachos at Mexican restaurants.
There is nothing I don’t love about those two words.
And, together, they are like magic – MAGIC I CANNOT STOP EATING.4. How to stop eating all the food on my plate.
Yeah, so I just ate a pile of free nachos the size of most Mexican villages.
What of it?
That doesn’t mean I’m not going to eat every single morsel of my un-free, un-nacho meal I just ordered. Even though I know I’m going to be totally sick afterwards. And I know I could just take it home and enjoy it later.
Because, hey, who can think about later?
I’m too busy eating all the food right now.5. How to dance.
Like an actual dance that is recognized by the world. And not by the world that exists in my head.6. How to tip the people who work at fancy hotels.
It’s a good thing I can’t afford fancy hotels very often because I have no idea how to do that thing were you discretely slip money to the guy who carried your bags or hailed your cab.
The last time I stayed some place nice and the doorman hailed me a taxi, I ended up shaking the guy’s hand. But not with the hand that had all the money in it. And then I hopped into the cab with a handful of money that I forgot to give him.7. How to pack without totally overpacking.
There is always that one sweater that I totally didn’t need and I never wear. And never enough underwear.
ALWAYS.8. How to act after getting in a car accident.
I got into an itty bitty car accident this weekend.
It was a little bit my fault but not entirely.
Either way I probably shouldn’t have hopped out of the car and instantly started apologizing.
But that’s exactly what I did.
I was also supposed to take pictures and call the police and get all of the other driver’s insurance information.
Did I do any of that?
But I did have a nice chat with the man, shake his hand and tell him to have a nice day. Because, apparently, manners are the only life skills I ever learned.9. How to change a flat tire.
I should probably learn how to do this.10. How to parallel park. Or back up a car without running into stuff. And removing a rearview mirror or two.
I should probably also learn how to do this. Or just, you know, stop driving cars.11. How to cook really anything besides spinach artichoke dip.
But, really, when you make a dip this good, who needs to know how to make other stuff?12. How to talk to someone I super, duper admire. Especially someone who is kind of famous.
I always end up saying something that reveals I know way too much about that person. Like, all the names of their cats. Ever.
And I break out into hives.
Which is exactly what every famous person wants – a rashy, stalkery person prattling on about cats.13. How to flirt.
I dominate the conversation and tell embarrassing stories about my childhood. Like, about the time my mom sold my pony.
And my voice gets all screechy.
And I break out into hives.
Which is exactly what every guy wants – a rashy, screechy girl prattling on about ponies.14. How to stop breaking out into hives.
Maybe there’s some kind of cream I could get? Or a full-body skin transplant?15. How to turn someone down without totally lying and making up some contagious disease.
Or I wuss out and refuse to answer my phone for two months until they stop calling me.16. How to break up with someone in a socially acceptable manner.
That doesn’t involve me leaving them at a truckstop. Or giving them a poem I wrote about our relationship and then handing it to them as I walk out the door.
Not that I’ve ever done those things.
Okay, I totally have done those things.
And it makes it so awkward when you run into them a year or so later.
Trust me on this.17. How to react in the case of natural disaster.
I can never remember what you’re supposed to do in the case of each disaster. Like, am I supposed to go outside in the case of an earthquake? Or go to the basement? And what about hurricanes? And electrical storms? And locust plagues?
And, frankly, it probably doesn’t even matter because I’m also totally clueless when it comes to recognizing what is and what is not a natural disaster.
The few times I experienced earthquakes in Japan, I didn’t even know they were earthquakes. I just thought there was some really crazy construction going on in my apartment building.18. How to react in the case of a not-so-natural disaster.
Plane crash? House fire? Zombie invasion?
I will be the person screaming and flailing and running directly towards the zombie. You can count on it.19. How to swim in deep water.
Unless simultaneous doggy paddling and hyperventilating count as “swimming.”20. How to do a push-up.
Or a pull-up.
Or really anything that requires my moving my body in an upward motion.21. How to kick butt.
I’ve always wanted to take a self-defense class, so I could learn how to kick some butt if need be.
But, so far, the closest I’ve come is this cardio kickboxing class that I took at the gym once.
I have a feeling learning to punch to the beat of 90’s boy-band music is really not going to help me out should I ever need to defend myself physically. Unless, of course, there’s some Backstreet Boys songs playing in the background.22. How to do the cheek-kiss thing.
It doesn’t matter that I lived in Brazil for a year where this is just what you do when you greet people. I still get it wrong.
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I never know what direction the person is going in. And if I should actually kiss them on the cheek or do the air-kiss thing. And how many kisses there are going to be before it’s all over.
Which usually means I end up head-butting the person or licking their cheek.
Either way: awkward.23. How to wear lipstick.
The closest I’ve come is lip gloss.
Because, seriously, I’m a fourteen-year-old girl.24. How to do mascara.
Without making it clump all around my eyes and become all smeary in five seconds.25. How to dye my hair without totally squirting chemicals into my eyes or missing a spot.
Or, umm, all the spots, so that my hair ends up looking exactly the same after I’ve finished.26. How to select produce.
I play the game.
I peel back the husk on the corncob like everyone else.
I man-handle the mangoes.
I poke at all the peaches before I buy one.
But I have no idea what I’m looking for.
Rotten spots? Insects? Fairy godmothers tucked inside each fruit?
No idea.27. How to stop myself from crying.
When I feel like I’m going to cry, there’s really nothing I can do to stop it.
Even when I’m in public and I know it’s going to make people feel awkward.
And even when I don’t have anything to cry over. Maybe I’m just tired. Or overwhelmed. Or haven’t had my required six meals a day. Or maybe it’s just a particularly touching episode of Masterchef. (What? Don’t tell me you didn’t cry when the blind girl won.)28. How to not start crying when someone else is crying.
I’m a sympathy crier.
If I see someone else cry or about to cry, I will totally start crying myself. Even if they’re crying about something that is totally unrelated to me. And they’re speaking in a foreign language I don’t understand.
It’s like when someone starts yawning, and then you start yawning.
Except with crying.29. How to tell the people in my life I love them.
To all my family and friends who might be reading this post, I love you.
There. I said it.
Just don’t expect me to say it in real life. Because it will probably result in me breaking out in hives, crying and giving you a poem I wrote about my love for you.
I think we can all agree that nobody wants that.30. How to not interrupt someone.
Especially when I have something to say that kind of relates to what they’re saying, and I want to tell them right now because I know I will forget about it in five seconds, but they’re still talking, and why won’t they stop talking already?31. How to not take criticism personally.
I’m working on this one, guys.
I really am.
But it’s hard.
Every time someone says something critical about me or my work, the first thing I think is, “Everyone hates me, and I totally suck.”
Followed by: “I need ice cream.”32. How to manage my time. And not get distracted by all of the Internet.
I’m also really trying to work on this one.
I even bought a big huge calendar last weekend to write down all the stuff I was going to do that was not the Internet.
And then I spent approximately a billion hours on the Internet.33. How to not buy all the stuff.
Especially when all the stuff is shiny and pretty and can fit around my massive man-calves.34. How to remember useful stuff like people’s names and birthdays.
Instead of stuff like the names of all their cats.35. How to save someone’s life
I don’t know how to do CPR.
I don’t know how to do the Heimlich maneuver. (Heck, until I Google searched it right now, I didn’t even know how to spell Heimlich maneuver. Probably because I always thought it was the “Heimlich remover.”)
And the only thing I know about making a tourniquet, I learned from watching that movie 127 Hours. Which I watched almost entirely with my face jammed into a pillow because I was screaming so loud.36. How to get to the point already.
I tend to be a bit long-winded.
And then usually about halfway through whatever I’m talking about, I forget what I’m talking about and just go on a tangent about cats.
Maybe you’ve noticed?37. How to make a decision without hemming and hawing for a billion years. And then doubting myself immediately afterwards.
Yeah, so I’m already thinking that maybe telling you that thing about breaking up via poem was kind of a bad idea.
Can we all just forget that ever happened?
Lord knows I’ve been trying to.What adult person things do you not know how to do despite being an adult person? And can we all agree that the people need to stop calling me “ma’am”? P.S. Didn’t buy me a birthday present and feeling really bad about it? You still have time to nominate this blog for a Bloggie in a category of your choosing! Nominating closes tonight (Sunday, January 27) at 10 PM EDT.