Weeklyish Challengey Thingie: Buy Some Lady Boots

November 11, 2012

Living in China for a year and a half taught me a lot of valuable life lessons.

Like, sometimes you have to stop listening to other people and just try stuff out for yourself to find out if you’re going to like it. This applies to countries. And jobs. And mooncakes. (Although, seriously, guys, you’re probably better off just not trying mooncakes. Take my word for it. Even though I just told you not to listen to anyone ever again.)

Mooncakes. Don’t even.

And, pretty much anything is going to taste better with pork. Even, maybe, mooncakes.

Mmmm, pork.

And, well, it’s entirely possible to live your life with only two pairs of shoes to your name. But I’m kind of using the word “live” here loosely because by the eighth month of wearing the same decaying pair over and over again, the world will lose all color and you’ll really wonder why you even bother getting out of bed in the morning. And then you’ll practically give yourself a concussion the one and only time you manage to find a pair of lady shoes in your size.

So, yeah, I know I don’t need a huge closet-full of shoes to survive.

But that hasn’t really stopped me from filling up my closet full of shoes since I returned to the States this summer.

Yay! Shoes!

Let’s just say I’ve been making up for lost shoes.

In my defense, I have really kind of needed most of these shoes. Sure, it was perfectly acceptable for me to show up to work in China looking like a hobo in fingerless gloves and mold-covered loafers.

Totally work appropriate. In China.

But that’s not so much the case here at home. You see, my current job kind of expects me to dress like someone who, well, has a job.

Plus, I didn’t even have to buy all of these shoes.

Two of them I stole back from my sister. (Shhh. Don’t tell my sister.)

And this adorable red pair of flats was given to me free by the internets.

Thank you internets!

And when the internets gives you free shoes, you just take it as a sign that you need new shoes. Not that I ever really needed a sign. But anyway.

You see, a few months ago one of my blog readers contacted me to tell me how much she loves reading my blog. And then, because she happens to work for a shoe company, she offered me a free pair of shoes.

Which, I think we can all agree, makes her the BEST BLOG READER EVER.

And these are not just any shoes.

These are Tieks.

Not only are they made of this super soft Italian leather, which makes them smell all fancy and expensive. They also fold in half, so you can pop them into your purse or carry-on. Or, you know, you can take them off in the middle of a party and amaze all your friends with your cool origami shoes. (I may or may not have done this. Twice.)

Plus, they arrived in this super adorable box complete with its very own sparkly flowery thingie. Seriously, guys, why don’t all shoes come with sparkly flowery thingies?

Unfortunately, it turned cold shortly after I got them, so I haven’t been able to wear them much. Although I do regularly get them out and admire them and think about all the fun things we will do together when I’m no longer forced to wear socks all the time.

And I’ve recently discovered the sparkly flowery thingie makes an adorable headband for my cat. Obviously, my cat agrees.

See? She LOVES it.

While I haven’t had any trouble getting my hands or, err, feet on cute new shoes, I can’t say it’s been that easy peasy scoring myself a pair of kick butt lady boots.

You know the kind of boots that you put on and you’re suddenly a rockstar and a cowboy and a total bad ass all rolled up into one?

Halloween circa 8th grade. Costume: a blonde Mr. T. I blame the boots.

The kind of boots that make you feel like you can do anything.

The kind of boots that you can wear with skirts or leggings or skinny jeans. Even if you’re the type of person who should probably never, ever, ever wear skinny jeans because your legs just end up looking like poorly wrapped sausages.

But, who cares!

You’re a rockstar-cowboy-bad-ass!

You can wear whatever you want! And if the boots tell you that you can wear skinny jeans, then so be it!

Ever since fall rolled around with its crunchy leaves and pumpkin-flavored everything, I’ve been staring longingly at the rows and rows of boots in the stores.

I even tried on a few pairs.

Even though I knew exactly how things were going to end up.

In case you’re wondering, this is how things end up: with me desperately trying to shove my massive man-calves into a flimsy tube of leather that was obviously not built to support such volume.

It’s kind of like watching a boa constrictor eat a goat.

Except less graceful.

I sought out boxes with stickers indelicately proclaiming the boots to be “Wide Shaft.” Or, even worse: “Extended Calf.” Which always just makes me feel like I’m shopping for a pickup truck rather than a pair of boots.

Nothing fit.

I finally gave up hope.

I figured I wasn’t meant to have nice lady boots. Even if my business card begs to differ.

Nothing goes with a cape & a pink suitcase like some lady boots!

I resigned myself to a life of men’s boots.

Or, worse, Uggs.

Remember these? I would rather not.

And then I received a sign from God.

Well, actually it was a sign from the Facebook.

Either way.

You know those little ads that pop up on the side of the Facebook that are usually trying to get you to order a Russian bride?

Well, one day an ad popped up advertising boots for big-calved ladies like myself. Because apparently even Facebook knows I possess the lower legs of a draft horse.

After clicking on the link and perusing through a dozen different boots, I finally settled on a pair of knee-high, black, leather ones.

They arrived a few days later in a box the size of a coffin. I eagerly pulled them out of the box, only briefly stopping to glance at the tag on the boot.

I guess that means my shafts are double-wide. Ahem.

I slipped them on.

And, wonders of wonders, they fit!

I’ve worn them twice this week.

Both times I felt like a total rockstar-cowboy-bad-ass.

And like I should really maybe join a motorcycle gang already. Even though I’m super scared of motorcycles. And gangs.

Ready to start a rumble.

And then the boots tricked me into thinking I should go buy skinny jeans.

Or, at least, I’m pretty sure it was the boots’ fault. Because, really, I can’t explain why else I would find myself in a Target dressing room this week attempting to cram my lower half into something called a “denim legging.” It clearly was because the BOOTS TOLD ME TO DO IT.

I already knew pretty much how things were going to end up.

I should probably mention the denim leggings were snake-skin patterned.

So, remember the whole boa constrictor-eating-a-goat analogy?

Well, it was exactly like that.

Except, of course, less graceful.

I gave up, put them back on the hanger, and walked away.

Because, there’s another thing China taught me about life: just because it’s available in an animal print, doesn’t make it right.

Rocking the animal print.

 What item of clothing always makes you feel like a total rockstar-cowboy-bad-ass?
27

I've blathered on long enough! Now it's your turn!

  1. On November 11, 2012 at 9:42 pm kristin said:

    Sally…. so jealous of you!! As a woman of German and Polish descent any boot above the ankle is an impossibility. You have given me new hope! I will search out the double wides!!! I hope to cover my cows (they certainly aren’t calves!) once and for all! Cheers to you rockin the boots!

    • On November 11, 2012 at 10:48 pm Sally said:

      Well, if it’s any help, I got these from Zappos. They have a pretty good selection of wide and wide-wide (ahem) boots. The pair I got fit really well right away… I was really surprised I didn’t have to fight with them at all to get them on. And they’re made from leather and not the cheapo syntheticy stuff that a lot of the wide-calved boots are made with.

  2. On November 12, 2012 at 2:52 am Ashley of Ashley Abroad said:

    I have to say, I’m kind of in love with my tall leather boots – the zipper on one of them broke the other day after two years of constant wear and I almost cried a little. Good boots are hard to find!
    Ashley of Ashley Abroad recently posted..Saturday Snapshot 6

  3. On November 12, 2012 at 4:27 am Ruby said:

    Glad you found your boots. I lived in a pair of black riding boots in college and when I went looking to replace them, 15 years later, found my calves had been replaced by tree stumps in the meantime. Luckily a fashion fairy pointed me towards Duo Boots (their US website is http://www.duoboots.com/us) who have a whole range of boots essentially made to order. And not anywhere near as expensive as that sounds. You choose the boot, then the calf size and they send you your boots. That was a happy day.

    • On November 12, 2012 at 7:16 am Sally said:

      Ah, yes, the tree stump calves. Always fun. And thanks for the tip! I’ll have to check them out for my next pair of boots… I have been thinking I could use a brown pair. 🙂

  4. On November 12, 2012 at 4:31 am Selly said:

    I’ve been craving a decent pair of boots since forever. Sally, does that website deliver to Ireland and will you share it?

  5. On November 12, 2012 at 4:50 am cosmoHallitan said:

    I am in desperate need of a new pair of boots but can’t find any here in Shanghai that aren’t covered in fur, feathers, sequins and bows. Today I saw some fancy new snake-skin patterned pantyhose for sale, presumably to go with the bedazzled boots.
    cosmoHallitan recently posted..The Grumpy Pig, Sunday Brunch Edition

    • On November 12, 2012 at 7:15 am Sally said:

      I feel your pain, sister. I think if I ever went back to live in China, I would definitely bring at least one full suitcase full of shoes & boots. I would not want to have to resort to the ugly man Uggs like I had to last year! Ah, the horror!

  6. On November 12, 2012 at 2:34 pm Ailsa said:

    I don’t understand why no men have commented yet! Plaid shirts make me feel like both a lumberjack and a rockstar rolled into one adrogynous ball of hipster confusion. Maybe it’s time to get a new style…

    • On November 12, 2012 at 9:15 pm Sally said:

      Hmmm… I haven’t worn plaid in a whlie. I may have to start doing that. I think lumberjack-rockstar would be pretty cool.
      And, yeah, come on boys, start commenting! You know there’s some article of clothing that makes you feel like Mr. T every time you put it on!

  7. On November 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm Priya said:

    I pity the fool who can’t fit into lady boots. That makes the two of us. I can’t find a pair of high knee boots that will fit! 🙁 but this post totally makes me want to go shoe shopping. Even though I bought a pair of shoes last week that is not appropriate for winter. But in my defense, they were pink and purple.
    Priya recently posted..An Open Letter To The Student Loan Department/College Education System/To Whom It May Concern

    • On November 12, 2012 at 9:12 pm Sally said:

      I’m telling you, they exist! You just have to have faith… and a credit card. 🙂
      And good call on the purple & pink shoes. I bet they’re totally winter appropriate. Just wear’em with tights.

  8. On November 12, 2012 at 6:24 pm Jessica Hill said:

    Hilarious. I want free shoes! That’s better than a paycheck.
    Jessica Hill recently posted..China Travel & Cattle Branding: They’re Practically the Same Thing

  9. On November 16, 2012 at 8:52 am @MsBoice said:

    I was really hoping for a photo of you in those animal print leggings. But that aside, I went through three (THREE!) attempts at ordering boots that were not wide enough until kind lady at Nordstrom sold me a pair of Blondo boots that fit! They are a leather boot with a stretchy patterned texturey rubber that has compelled some men at the office to touch them. (Excuse me sir, have you met the lawyers in HR?) Inappropriate men notwithstanding, I rock those boots. Fun post, btw.

  10. On November 19, 2012 at 11:16 am Rose said:

    Hey Sista! I feel your pain! I didn’t get blessed with man-calves in the family but I did get the man-feet! You think buying lady boots with big calves is hard — try buying any boots that look good on a size 12 foot! Alas, I am relegated to the world of pleather man-boots. Luckily in my town wearing lady boots of any size mean you aren’t from around here and are probably a French Canadian who took a wrong turn on their way to Lake Placid. So I don’t feel so bad when I schlep around town wearing men’s Muck boots.

    • On November 19, 2012 at 5:47 pm Sally said:

      Actually, the boots that I ordered were a size 11, and they still look pretty lady-ish. I think I’m going to start telling people they’re my French Canadian boots.

  11. On February 10, 2013 at 12:20 pm Ceri said:

    Haha, I definitely don’t have the legs for skinny jeans but I keep on wearing them for some reason! I even bought patterned ones the other day which look ridiculous but … yes, they make me feel like a badass.
    Ceri recently posted..Twenty Six

  12. On February 11, 2013 at 4:30 pm Dania said:

    Hats. Just straight-up caps, sompraros, those hats with skulls on them, cool feathery hats.

    And masks.

    And dress with zippers and denim and stuff.

    c: You sound really cool.

  13. On July 2, 2013 at 12:25 am Maria said:

    I have my own pair of “motorcycle” boots and I always feel so bad ass when I wear them 😀 Your blog is really interesting and funny, am looking forward to following you 🙂
    Maria recently posted..Heather Wide Calf Scrunch Boots Comfortview Review

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