Like, “What’s the food like?”
My answer: Hmm. Let’s see. I can no longer fit into any of my pants. Does that answer your question?
Then how about this:
Also, “How much Chinese do you need to speak to be able to survive?”
My answer: Well, this really depends on your definition of “survive.” If by “survive” you mean walking around pointing and grunting at people and screaming out the few vocabulary words you know at random then I’d say about ten words will do it.
And, of course, “How’s a hot lady like yourself still single in a country of almost 30 million bachelors?
My answer: I know, right?
Okay, nobody really asks me this question, but, seriously, they should. Because, for real, people, this one’s a true stumper. I mean, have you met me? Honestly, what Chinese guy in his right mind wouldn’t want to marry this:Out of all the questions that I get asked on a regular basis probably the most frequent question I get is how I am able to use Facebook and Twitter when, you know, those things are kind of illegal here.
Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned since moving to China it’s that you don’t get anywhere in this country without breaking a few rules.
I’ve seen people smoking in front of no smoking signs and parking in front of no parking signs.
I’ve been practically mowed over by motorbikes driving on the sidewalk even though there is almost always a small vehicle lane right next to the sidewalk. (In their defense, there’s almost always a massive tour bus or some other decidedly unsmall vehicle in the small vehicle lane. So, really, where else is the motorbike supposed to drive except on the sidewalk?)
And, don’t even get me started on all the fashion rules that get broken in this country.Personally, I find all the rule-breaking a bit disconcerting at times as I’m a big fan of rules and following the law.
Mostly because I doubt I’d last very long in prison. I don’t know how to make a shiv. And I’d look really horrible in a jumpsuit. Especially an orange one. Orange is really not my color.
I think the only time I ever broke the law was when my college roommate dared me to steal a Christmas wreath from a huge bin outside of the Walmart. It took me about thirty minutes of moseying around nervously in front of the store to muster up the courage. Then while my roommate pulled the car around, I grabbed a wreath and dove into the backseat screaming, “Drive, woman! They’re on to us.”
I’m not entirely sure who “they” were as nobody had even noticed.
And if they had, nobody seemed to care.
Probably because it was after Christmas at that point, and, come to think of it, that bin was probably a dumpster.
So, yeah, I’m not exactly your typical law-breaker.
But, nobody gets between me and my Internet – not even China and its pesky laws.Before I moved to China, I asked some friends already living here how they got their Internets and was informed I’d need to subscribe to a VPN service.
VPN stands for Virtual Personal Network, which sounds totally awesome, right? Like, I have my very own little chunk of the Internet that no one else is allowed to use. I think I’m going to start yelling things like, “You kids get off my Internet.” And waving my laptop around menacingly at everyone.
Basically, the VPN service allows me to log on from an American IP address even though I’m in China. (Don’t ask me what an IP address is. I already explained VPN, and now my brain is tired. Do I have to do everything for you, people? Besides, I have no idea, okay?)
I’m not really sure how the whole thing works.
I suspect witchcraft is involved.
According to the website for the VPN service I use, there is something called an “encrypted tunnel”. Which sounds pretty witchcrafty, if you ask me.
Or, maybe, it’s like when you were a kid and you wanted to dig a hole to China. Except I’m digging a hole to America. With the Internet. Which is pretty awesome as I’m really not a fan of manual labor.
All I know is one moment I’m hanging out in Wuxi.
And the next, I’m chilling in sunny Los Angeles.
You’d think I’d have a better tan by now.And since I’m logging on from an American IP address that means I not only get access to Facebook and Twitter and all the other sites banned in China, I also get access to sites that I usually can’t get when I’m outside of the States. Like, all the ones with TV shows on them and stuff.
This is kind of awesome since I really love bad reality television, and I’d hate to think what my life would be like without regular doses of The Bachelor or Dance Moms Miami.
It’s also kind of bad. Because, you know, if China ever starts cracking down on illegal Internet-getting gangsters like myself, the police won’t have to go very far to find me. As I’ll probably be sitting on my couch doing this.
Just in case I end up in prison, I should see if I can find a reality TV show that will show me how to make a shiv. And, umm, anyone know what color the jumpsuits are in Chinese jail?Have you ever broken the law for a good reason? Like for the Internet?