Usually, I just blame China for this. You know, it’s not easy for me to find a nice guy to date when I don’t speak the language. And the few bits of the language I do speak are not exactly date-appropriate. I doubt shouting “I need to go to the train station!” and “How much for the strawberries?” would really go over well on a first date.
But the truth is that I’ve never been a big dater. Even when I was living in the States.
I’ve got to say this is a big loss for all you gentlemen folk out there as I’m pretty much the most awesome date ever.
I have stellar table manners and never chew with my mouth open. And thanks to years of working in food service, I even know what all the forks are for.
There is no such thing as awkward pauses when you go out with me as I can pretty much keep the conversational ball rolling for, like, forever.
I have tons of funny stories to tell.
I’ll even listen to your funny stories and act like they’re almost as funny as mine.
I can talk about pretty much anything. Once I went on a blind date with a guy who talked to me about mulch for two hours. Mulch! For two hours! And being the awesome date that I am, I totally asked him all kinds of questions about wood chips and soil rotation and acted like I was super interested and I never once slipped into a coma or anything.
Plus, when I put my mind to it, I can really clean up good.Alas, in order to unleash my awesome dating skills, I have to first get a date. And, that’s kind of where I have a problem.
I’m not particularly good at talking to boys I don’t know. My face turns red and blotchy. I get this twitchy thing going on in my right eye. And my voice gets even squeakier than usual. (And it’s pretty squeaky to begin with. I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me, “Is that your real voice?” Yeah, that gets embarrassing.)
Plus, I’m not even sure how one goes about meeting potential date-able guys in Wuxi. I mean, I’ve tried everything I can think of:
Hanging out on my couch.
Talking on the Twitter.
Really, how’s a girl to get a date in this town?And, then, last week I discovered a surefire new way to get a man to take me out on a date.
It’s genius, really. And so easy I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.
All you have to do is trick him in to it.
I know. Totally genius, right?
You see, last Wednesday, I went into a sandwich shop on campus to get lunch. I just so happened to walk into the shop at the same time as this foreign guy. And seeing as we ordered at the same time and were standing pretty close together and both happened to be foreign, the cashier assumed we were together and ended up charging the guy for my lunch.
Being a gentlemen, he refused to let me pay.
I don’t know about you, but where I come from when a guy buys you a meal, that pretty much means you’re on a date.
(And that’s how it’s done, ladies. Just stand really close to a guy while you’re at the cash register and trick him into buying you a meal! And then start planning your life together, because, obviously, this thing was meant to be.)After thanking him profusely while my face turned a few shades of fuchsia, I scurried off to my table where two of my friends were sitting. That’s when I noticed my new gentleman friend was sitting all alone. So I invited him over to have lunch with us. I mean, it was the least I could do… especially since we were technically on a date and all.
Over our sandwiches, I learned he is a geologist from Turkey, who is in Wuxi studying Mandarin. And he didn’t once try to talk to me about mulch. Although we did talk a bit about rocks, but I think we can all agree that rocks are infinitely more exciting than wood chips.
As we were leaving, my friend invited him to go bowling with us over the weekend, and we exchanged phone numbers.
(Second tip, ladies: be sure to have friends around who aren’t quite as scared as you are when it comes to talking to boys they don’t know. You’re going to need some help securing a second date seeing as the whole standing-by-him-at-the-cash-register-and-tricking-him-into-buying-you-lunch technique really only works for the first date.)
When I texted him to invite him to go bowling again later in the week, he told me that he had had to go to Shanghai for the weekend and wouldn’t be able to make it.
Which really was his loss as I looked pretty hot in my bowling shoes.
Plus, I think my green bowling ball really brought out the color of my eyes.
And after we left bowling, my friends and I went to karaoke, where this happened.
But just because I didn’t get a second date this time, doesn’t mean I’ve given up on my new tactic of standing really close to men until they buy me a meal.
I mean, who am I to refuse a date?
Even if it’s not technically a date.
I think next time, though, I’m going to try this at an expensive restaurant. Like one that has forks and stuff.Have any surefire ways to get a first date? Do share. I, obviously, need them.